Evenings are …

… the toughest part of my day, unless I’m distracted with external activities like classes, workshops, meetings, the gym, etc.  Not really sure why that is or when it became that way, but while I sat in the dark last night icing and heating my ankle, I figured out it’s been decades.  Getting high in the evenings was a way to check out from life, and while it started out as fun and games in my early 20’s, it eventually became a ball and chain in my late 40’s.  I could have easily gotten high last night, but so very glad I didn’t.  I manoeuvred my way through and around all the thoughts and emotions that came up, doing my best to stay present.  Dan called at 7:30ish, which was a nice diversion.  He’s a talker and a bit of know-it-all, but he’s cool.  We got high together when we met in July.  I thought if I did with someone else, that it would be okay and it wouldn’t ensnare me like it did in the past.  After all, it had been eight years since I got high last, and I’m much more self-aware than I was.  What harm would a few days be?  Blah! Well, I found out!  Chalk it to experience and thank God, only a four-month experience.  I found out that the appeal is still there to hide from my feelings using pot.  It’s been one week now.  So much has happened internally, as well as externally, and I’ve coped with every single thing with a clear head … Well done Me!

Words related to coping – wrestle, handle, confront, grapple, endure, survive, suffer, tussle, deal, buffet, face, dispatch, weather, struggle, hack, tangle, encounter

I thought getting high with Dan would enhance the experience of meeting him for the first time and just have fun for a few days.  The first time Was fun.  We were silly and laughed soooo much, but already by the second time it wasn’t fun … at least for me.  I wanted, even needed to be stoned in order to tolerate being with him.  Ughhhh what a horrible thing to say, but it’s the truth.  He’s kind and caring and generous and loves me … and I love him too, just not to the same degree.  Before we met, he would say “I just want to know what it would be like to be with you … I just want a chance”, and I gave it to him because I too wanted to find out.  What we discovered though were two different things.

Yesterday morning he said, “So brick by brick we dismantled our own walls and each others. We came to know each other at depths unknown to me. And you were always accepting, yet kind when you felt a need to be critical. That fear of “this is the thing that will make her say ‘hell no’, never happened. So we were past some many possible ‘issues’ by the time we met, and well, we know how that went. So yes, given the depths and distance between us we’ve crossed, (and here I don’t mean just the miles), I’m more than curious about what else, what more may develop between us”

to which I replied, “For me I’m content in the here and now between us … I don’t look too far ahead … I can’t even say we will meet again because I just don’t know”

All he said was “ok” and then got silent.  I know Dan.  When he doesn’t like something, he retreats and stops talking.  It needed to be said though.  I needed to speak my truth, or at least allude to it … that I don’t want to meet him again.  Once was enough and I’m happy with our online friendship and even the sexting is okay, but I’ve pulled back since we met, not having the courage to say I don’t want more, when I know he does.  I’m getting there and know I have to tell him straight out.  I don’t have to go into details though about the pot or being triggered in the parking lot … that’s my stuff and for me to figure out.  Dan and I have been through hell and back in our relationship, and it sucks I don’t have the same depth of love as he does. I can only hope our friendship is strong enough to withstand this next walk.

I’m just happy I took another small step toward speaking my truth …. hmmmm my truth is saying no … seems it’s Always about saying no …. sigh … and there it is … the nugget.