He’s blocked and …

… deleted from everywhere I can think of, including shared documents.  When I received his email of apology back in late September, I was happy to have my friend back.  At first, it seemed like he was trying harder to look at his shit and figure it out and make changes, but as the weeks went by I could tell he was still the same manipulative narcissistic man he so cleverly disguises … sad, but true … I shake my head at my feelings for him, but he repeatedly negates everything I say and I just won’t put up with that anymore.  Yes, I’ve said that before and always give him another chance because I always want to see the best in people … not to my detriment anymore though, and he most definitely is detrimental to my health.  What’s Really sad, is that he doesn’t even see his behaviour, and he wonders why he is always alone.  I’m not an expert by any means, but when you spend a lot of time with someone you get to know them … you can see things they can’t because they’re too close.  Whenever he would point out something in me, I would always at least take it into consideration, but he Never takes my observations into consideration, or anyone else’s for that matter, and that is his biggest downfall and ultimately could be his nemesis.  I still hope and pray for him to see things in a different light, but it won’t be with me in his life.

I remember how I felt when I came home and saw all his messages relating to my email about the direction I am going in my life for the next while … Solo Sans Sex … SSS hahahaha love it!  Instead of support or understanding, he made it all about him and that I could try Not to be a woman yada yada yada OMG wtf does that mean??  I’m not a woman because I don’t want sex??  My heart was Pounding as I read his words, and I remember thinking “breathe Tina, just relax and don’t over-react” … so I took a deep breath and calmed down somewhat, then read his words again, just to be sure I wasn’t misinterpreting … and then my heart started pounding again and I thought “this is stupid … is this Really what I want to take with me into the next cycle of my life that I am clearing the way for?” and I heard/felt a resounding “NO FUCKING WAY” and that was that …. told him this relationship is unhealthy for me and that I’m done … then click and clack, blocked and deleted for the next 45 minutes, and with every deletion my whole being felt lighter … like a balloon filling with helium …. I Do like balloons:)

So in a matter of a few days I withdrew from three relationships with men … Russell is history … John remains my friend … and Dan is still processing, and seems to have come to terms with the information I gave him.  He told me he is having to accept that what he wants and what reality is, aren’t always the same thing.  Our relationship has changed for sure, and sometimes I feel like I’ve done something wrong, when I know I haven’t … could I have told him straight out in Calgary how I felt?  Yep, I sure could have … and I eventually did … just took me five months is all, but it is still a big step forward for me.  Unfortunately my truth hurt someone I care about.  Maybe I gave him too much information, but what’s done is done and as with every choice/decision there are consequences.  I always seem to find myself in a situation with men (aka sex) that I don’t want to be in, so the best way to figure out how I get myself into these situations is to stop …. hmmmmmmm yes, for now SSS is Exactly what I need to do.

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December 3, 2019

Random reader here: A small piece of advice: Stop announcing what you’re going to do and why and just do it. No explanations necessary, especially to those who will negate or ridicule you.

December 4, 2019

@solovoice

hmmmm actions speak louder than words … noted and thank you:)

December 3, 2019

Good for you on getting apart from him – narcissists are great at hiding that part of their personality, until they can’t.

December 4, 2019

@thediarymaster

Thanks:)  I’ve tried to do this before but not to the point of blocking and deleting.  I did good

December 3, 2019

Life is way too short to be with toxic people…..I know once I got rid of the toxic people in my life I felt so much better and more able to go onto the next chapter.  Congratulations……

December 4, 2019

@jaythesmartone

I completely agree J!  Life IS to short to feel like shit because of how someone else is treating me.  Thank you:)