I had a video …

… call with a woman from Switzerland yesterday morning … free for 20 minutes.  I found her through a site called TrueSelf based on the Enneagrams and when her email came through with this offer, I figured what the hell … let’s find out.  It was a very good call and in a short 20 minutes, she helped me to understand that I leave money matters to the very end because I love the feeling of adrenaline … makes sense.  She suggested I push the energy and push the energy and push the energy to the limit before taking care of business … limits being disconnect notices, lien on my house, bankruptcy, out-of-control credit card bills, etc.  I’m so tired of learning money lessons, and no matter how much I try, I still fuck up … but … that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop trying.

I have a dude who owes me $1,300. for treating his hot tub for that last year.  I’ve treated his tub for years and we’ve always had a good relationship, but now he says he’ll pay and he doesn’t … he doesn’t respond to my texts … he comes into town but doesn’t contact me to meet and settle up.  I’m to the point where my texts are getting abrupt and assertive, and it pushes my limits because that’s an aspect of myself that doesn’t show up very often.  I spoke with Bob yesterday and asked if there was anything I could do legally even though my tubs are paid to me in cash.  He said small claims court is an option and the judge only cares about the agreement I made with this dude, not the tax end.

To circle back to the Enneagram, I am a solid 9 … I don’t like confrontation … no doubt in my mind about that.  However, I’m at a point in my life that I’m sick and tired of being a door mat.  I hate the feeling of being taken advantage of, and yet have allowed that to happen throughout my life so it has become habit.  I work hard and ask little in return, I smile even when I’m crying inside, I’m as flexible as a rubber band and will change my plans to align with others, I rarely say no and when I do, I feel guilty and selfish …… all these things are habits of self-sabatoge.  It seems I have a low sense of self-worth, subconsciously telling myself I am not worthy … which I totally know I am, but my behaviours say something completely different.

So where did that come from?  I grew up in a stable and loving household.  Money was never a problem … that I was aware of anyway.  I was never really shown the value of money though I think … my parents would always ‘take care of things’ for me … even after I moved out … and more recently, the Huge trigger awhile back when Mom searched out prices of lumber for my SheShed.  I can still remember how I felt and how deep it went.  So that’s part of it for sure, but not the big IT.

Circle back to the lady from Switzerland and her notion that I like the adrenaline rush from pushing my limits.  It doesn’t always have to be about driving fast, or bungee jumping, or whitewater rafting etc.  Although I Do like driving fast and I WILL whitewater raft maybe even next summer, but for me it’s money, pot and alcohol aka addiction, and sex.  Those three are so intertwined with my sense of worth, or lack thereof.  I have unhealthy relationships with all of them and they affect my relationship with myself and with others …. oh man … it’s like a maze!!  Interestingly enough, I feel like I’m finding my way out even though I’m kinda confused about where I am in it.

And then I choose to quit my job hahahahaha oh Lord, what is in store for me now??  Funny thing is, I feel like I’m honouring myself by quitting, even though I’m just starting to see money in my bank account at payday, rather than none.  I don’t feel valued where I work … that’s pretty much it in a nutshell, so I’m just gonna roll with the consequences of my decision to quit … and consequences aren’t Always negative.  In fact, it feels like something really amazing is on the horizon.

Time and attention

A little often

No rush

Gently with feeling

I can do this