I knew the day would …

… eventually come around and had plenty of time to google what EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is all about.  I chose not to, other than the very basic meaning.  “Statistics show …… blah blah blah” wasn’t what I wanted to find out.  I’m not part of the statistics at this point, and as ego-based as this sounds, I’m unique and my story is nobody else’s except mine.  When I filled out the numerous handouts she (Maureen) gave me to determine if EMDR would help, I was certain that she would say no it wouldn’t because I’m not That broken.  I wasn’t beaten … my parents weren’t alcoholics or druggies … I wasn’t left alone at a young age to fend for myself … I wasn’t I wasn’t I wasn’t ………… turns out though, that there Have been traumatic experiences in my life … okay, I’ll accept that, otherwise why would I even be seeking out counselling?  It turns out as well, that the traumatic experiences overlap each other, sending spider webs out and other life experiences, while perhaps minor, touch the web enough to bring out the Big Spider …. meaning, trigger the major traumatic experience, and then BAM …. apparantly it’s called complex trauma.  Okay, so I see the truth in this explanation of the story of my life and why I am at a roadblock that I just can’t seem to move out of the way by myself.

So back to the handouts … the first 3/4 of them gave me the feeling that I’m not That broken, as I said, but the last 1/4 of the handouts were extremely difficult to focus on and complete.  Not because the questions were intillectually difficult, but because they pinged my emotions.  Negative cognitions …. the negative self-talk …. and while I’ve come a long long Long way in that area since I first started this self-help journey I’m on, the last of the negative cognitions are the strongest … the most stubborn … the deepest …… the root of the distress I feel in my life.  I pushed myself to complete those last few handouts, and when I was done, I thought “whew, that’s that … I did it” … and she’s gonna say I’m just normal, and that there’s no need to pursue EMDR or counselling or anything … “this is the way it is chickie, all you need to do is accept it.”  NOT!

Last week, she reviewed my answers and asked for some details, etc.  When she got to the last sheet, she’s like “whoa, look at all these negative cognitions you have.”  What can I say?  I was so suprised at her statement that I jumped up and asked her to show me.  Sure enough, there were negative statements I tell my Self … plenty of them in fact.  And here I thought I had that negative bullshit under control …. I even pointed out to her all the Positive cognitions I have … she laughed and said “oh so that’s what happened when you brought home a report card and only the B’s were seen, rather than the A’s.”  That was just downright creepy, because it was true.  And then she said, “Tina, we’ve got something to work with here … “.  I didn’t know how that made me feel … relieved I suppose …. Relieved that I wasn’t being overdramatic … that someone else could see that I needed help.

Which brings me to yesterday, which was the first session of EMDR …