I talked to Russell for the …

… first time since he left in mid-August … twice in fact.  The first conversation was pretty okay.  Even though he has told me on messenger already, he filled me in with what’s been going on in his life over the past few months, apologizing two or three times that he was making it all about him and that my turn was coming … too funny.  When it was my turn, I told him first about Joanna and her jumping headfirst into BDSM and meeting men (both Dom and sub) whom she connects with first in Fetlife.  I knew he would be intrigued and interested, and it was a good way to keep the conversation away from me.  Once that topic was talked out, he asked about my meeting with ‘the woman’ hahahahaha omg, I had no idea who he was talking about, and then I remembered that I told him about Maureen, the counsellor I’m seeing.  I had no intention of going into details with him about the whole thing, but that’s what I ended up doing.  It’s interesting that I thought he would judge me and tell me that EMDR would fuck with my psyche, yada yada yada …. but he didn’t … quite the opposite.  He said he was proud of me, and all I could say was ‘thank you’.

The card I pulled was ‘heart beat’ in response to my question ‘which part of me do I focus on today’. As I let go of my reality, I understood that I have stopped nurturing my Domme, and that she knows she has to wait until I get my shit sorted out with regards to my past.  What I also came to understand is that in order to stay balanced during the next month or so while I meet with Maureen, I must stir up the creative energy inside me (the ‘heart beat’ of a fetus is one of the first signs of ‘creation’, able to be heard as early as four weeks), which in fact is a big part of my Domme.  I started a soul art piece, allowing myself to float in the energy of creativity, drifting along with thoughts and ideas, sliding past the rocks of emotions and memories ………. and then I squirrelled hahahahahahahah … the start of the piece is there though, and it will take shape and form as the days progress.

The second conversation with Russell was kinda back to the same prior to withdrawing, and it was a red flag for me not to slip back into that relationship … I don’t understand why, but the attraction is still there …. and I won’t go back, at least not to the way it was.  It’s best for me that I stay on my side of the fence, and he stays on his side.  I can tell that he thinks everything is naturally going back to the way it was, and I can also tell that there is going to be some difficult conversations ahead that he is Not going to like.  I promised the little girl inside me, that I would take care of her and it’s up to me to maintain my position.

And then there’s John, who came out of nowhere, and is turning out to be a most confusing man.  He says one thing, does another, then says something else … sadly, there are yellow flags going up here and there with him.  Last night he told me that deep down inside, he is evil.  Omg, what the fuck does that mean??  Interestingly enough though, I’ve seen something in his eyes …. almost inhuman(???) … alien(???) … animal-like(???) …. but for some reason, I’m not frightened at all.  He’s young and confused …… if the yellow flags start turning to red however, I’m gone ……. but for now I want to get to know him and what makes him tick.  Everyone deserves to be known, even the ‘evil’ parts.