It is a good day, and I expect …
… good things to happen. I started saying this to my Self several years ago, and while I may not say it every single day, it’s how I live my life … Expecting good things to happen. Thing is, when they Do happen, I am overcome with kind of a sadness … like “why me? Why is this good thing happening to me? What have I done to deserve such a good thing to happen?” Kinda weird isn’t it? I’ve heard people say the same thing when bad things happen … and actually, thinking about that now … I said it once when the shit with Dad was all around me … I said to my sponsor at the time, “Why me?”, and her reply? “Why NOT you?” BAM, that took me down a few notches, if not completely crashing to the ground. I suppose I could use her reply in the same manner when something good happens … hmmmmmm
I am so very happy for other people’s good fortune … their happiness … and yet, my good fortune or luck or happiness or … being loved by someone ….. a sadness that makes me cry ………. something got twisted somewhere along the way …. perhaps that’s why I don’t know how to receive love …. oh sure, I can accept it … easy to say “thank you very much for loving me” … but if I were forced to be still and receive love … well, tried that once and it backfired in my face …. don’t love me ….
Interesting this is because I DO expect good things to happen and isn’t love a good thing? I mean really … love is the ultimate good thing … and not just boy-girl love … hmmmm I Am love … I give it freely and openly …. perhaps the word ‘expect’ is the hurdle …. ‘expectations only lead to dissapointment’ … isn’t that what I learned in AA? ….. hmmmm but expecting from another person, is different than expecting from God …. people can disappoint, God can’t … I’m pretty sure in all belief systems, the Higher Power priority is always our highest good …. that’s what Faith is … believing without a doubt that the Universe will deliver my highest good in every situation … so when I am given love, in Faith I should receive it and trust that it is for my highest good …. sigh ….. so why does it still hurt inside when I consider this? What is this pain I am feeling?