It seems fitting that …
today is my wedding anniversary. A day to remember 29 years ago – a day to laugh as I look at our wedding pictures … sooooo 80’s hahahahaha … a day to cry because I still miss him so very much … a day to say goodbye just a little bit more as I look ahead at my life before me.
I arrived home late yesterday from my road trip with Russell. I came into the trip with a decision already made. I laid beside him in bed and waited for him to find me … he didn’t, and that hurt and it made me angry. Why do I always have to be the one? (and yes, I know that’s my ego talking) When I finally found the courage to talk to him, a weight was lifted … for both of us. He heard the truth in my words that we need to part if we are ever to be together again … if there Is an again. We talked … difficult talks … and now that I am home, there is a sense of peace and freedom to do what I have to do …. which is to put time and attention into releasing Dennis. Unfortunately, there is a casualty of war and that is my friend Dan, who loves me. I used and abused his love while I sorted out my relationship with Russell … not something I intended to do, but that’s what happened. Omg my life sounds like a soap opera:(
I am a good person with broken bits … A Humpty Dumpty Cinderella. Looking and/or waiting for a handsome prince to save me isn’t working, so instead I will find the scattered pieces of my heart and put my self back together again.
Several days after my SRT (note to self – keep writing that out) I had a prophetic dream in which I met Dennis where the dead go to transition, and he told me to write to him the things that should have been said … as if he were still alive … present tense … starting from the shit with Dad to several hours before he (Dennis) died … not my regrets and remorse and guilt and all that … Write how I felt as if we had talked the way we should have … He had no idea … Because I didn’t tell him … And if we had talked, I would have known how HE felt about everything … By the time we were trying to talk, we both had so much pressure built up that we word vomited to each other instead of listening … He can’t move on until I do this … And I can’t either ……. and that’s why it seems fitting that today is my wedding anniversary …… a day to start speaking words unspoken.