It was the staff …

… Christmas party last night. John had asked if he could crash on my couch if he drank too much, and I said ‘sure!’ I should have said no, but I didn’t … he said the couch and I was okay with that, but then after I said ‘sure’, I wondered if I had yet again put myself in a questionable position, not to mention him.  It’s not awkward between us at work by any means, but spending the night on the couch might push the ‘just friends’ boundary.  I’ll admit there have been a few times at work when I get the ‘you know’ feeling, but it’s All physical, and I am determined and committed to the decision I’ve made to go SSS for the next while. Thing is, I miss the fun we had doing stuff together. Why does sex always have to get in the way?? I don’t want to hurt anyone or heaven forbid, manipulate! and maybe by saying ‘sure’ to John gave him the idea there might be ‘more’ … I shouldn’t speculate though because I really don’t know for sure. As it turned out, he didn’t even show up to the party. He texted and said he wouldn’t make it and hoped I had a good time, which I did, but I missed him. I considered texting him that, but then That felt like I would be giving him the ‘wrong’ impression.  Good grief this shouldn’t be so difficult!  When I got home, I was relieved I could just go to bed and wake up at 4:00 and not have anyone sleeping on my couch … sigh … I should have just said no when he first asked … just say no … just say no ………. the world won’t end Tina, if you say no!

Adjustment … that’s where I am! … along with peace, but also I’m adjusting to my decision and I need to remember to slow down right now until it sinks in.  Everyone is adjusting in fact … John, Dan and probably so is Russell, but who knows with him.  This too is a good reminder to go slow, especially when it comes to other people’s hearts.  Oh dear, I feel kinda crappy now:(