It’s been awhile …

… since I’ve sat long enough to capture what’s been going on in my life.  Christmas has come and gone, and for the first time since the shit with Dad happened in 2007, it was actually really good.  My kids were all with their respective other’s families, and I was totally okay with spending Christmas day by myself, staying busy with preparing for them to all come over to my house on Boxing Day.  The only thing I would change is going over to my parents place Christmas morning. Not that it was a bad visit, but for two reasons … I couldn’t say no to Mom and by not being able to say no to her, I gave up part of the day I just wanted to myself … interesting huh?  A lesson in there for sure. It’s okay to say no, and more importantly to not feel guilty about saying no, especially when it’s because I am honouring myself.

 

I have made an intention … a goal … a promise to myself, that I will quit Honda on my 55th birthday for one year, and then see where I am after that year.  I want to focus on writing, and pursue writing in a way that will support me so that I don’t need a job outside the home to pay my bills. It’s already coming up to two months since I made that promise, and while it doesn’t feel like I’m any closer to being in a position to do that, I really AM closer … two months closer, and all I need to remember is keep putting in the time and attention in getting details sorted financially and personally so that I Can put All my attention into writing.  Other people make money with writing, and not just with books. There are blogs, freelance writing, editing, etc etc, and it’s NOT TOO LATE.

 

Paying off and cutting up two of my credit cards was the first step.  Sucks that I had to use money from my TFSA to do that, for the second time, and without cutting up the cards I would be back here for a third time.  It was a bit unnerving, but I have a wonderful young man as my financial advisor who said to me “I can help you get that” when I told him my plan to quit work for a year.  I believe him, and even though he’s fresh out of school, a year younger than Kaity, I can feel his excitement for what he does. I meet with him and a Senior Advisor next week to discuss investments, an area that I don’t know very much about, but I want to learn.  I want to know what my money is doing, and I want my money to Make money for me, not just sit in an account collecting minimal interest or be overly cautious with investing. My hot tubs and LW Ventures are also part of my financial plan, and time and attention in those two areas are necessary.

 

Counselling.  That requires a writing session all on its own, and one done at home or at the library.  I’m sitting in UG right now, and the constant noise of the coffee machine, conversations, and people coming and going is too distracting for that sort of writing, not to mention that I could very well cry while I write.  I will say though, that counselling is difficult, sometimes awful, but the rewards are felt almost immediately. I’m ready to look at my stuff, process it, and let it become an experience.

 

Russell and I have parted ways … this time it feels quite final, although I do trust that if we are to ever be together again, that somehow we will find each other.  The last words he said to me was “just being friends is an insult” … what else could I say but “goodbye Russell”? Our relationship was unhealthy for me, and maybe even unhealthy for him.  I can give umpteenth reasons why we couldn’t do it anymore, but it would mostly be pointing the finger at him. I don’t give him a pass however, I just hope he has changed if and when we connect again.  It’s easy to see someone else’s ‘flaws’, and I don’t mind having mine pointed out to me, but at the same time, if someone isn’t willing to look at themselves in the mirror and DO something about what they see, then I need to step aside and let them walk their path.  The same of course goes for me not changing something about myself, and I have had a couple of people who have stepped aside to let me walk my path. I think about them every so often, and wish they could see me now. I’m not perfect by any means, but I am changing and I like who I see in my mirror more and more every day.

 

I continue to receive guidance in so many different ways, all confirming I am going in the right direction …

 

Log in to write a note