Let’s call this …

… a wrap, shall we?  Sometimes that’s just what needs to be done, whether it’s a month or a season or a cycle or the Mercury Retrograde 🙃 I’ve always accepted and appreciated the planetary influences on our planet, but have never really followed astrology to the degree I am this year.  I’m curious and whenever that happens, I find myself diverting into a whole different direction until my curiosity is either satisfied or it grows astronomically to the point that I live in it.  It’s hasn’t quite gotten to that point, but this whole Mercury Retrograde which began back in February, and taking a peek over my diary entries here, in google docs, and my scribblings on paper, as well as the cards I’ve pulled over the weeks … all seem to have magically aligned with each other.  Am I trying to make something more out of this than there really is?  As John puts it when he describes himself … “I am an eternal skeptic” … well, I’m not:)  I believe in magic.  I believe in God.  I believe in group consciousness.  I believe in planetary effects.  All this used to be a choice for me to believe, but I’m kinda done with choosing to believe …. I just believe … and am open enough to hear other people’s perspectives because I like to learn new ideas.

When Mercury goes in retrograde, everything can be wonky … Mercury rules over technology and communication in all it’s many shapes and forms;  Travel is also affected, whether it be delays or cancellations or detours … including schedules; and then of course emotions can be heightened, negative and positive.  There’s a lot of details surrounding the retrograde, including the shadows both before and after the planet is direct.  Interesting stuff!!

I have been wobbling my way through the past several weeks.  Maintaining a steady pace with lots of rest stops.  Yesterday was one of those rest stops.  The time change didn’t help to start off the day.  Where I live, we never change our clocks, but for some reason my phone did of it’s own accord (remember the Retrograde effects) and I started my day an hour earlier than I thought.  Time doesn’t mean too much to me since not working, but when I think it’s 6:00 and then find out it’s only 5:00 a.m., my whole being was disoriented and I couldn’t shake it until I had to, which means of course, babysitting Lol

I had a family experience on Thursday and Friday … same old thing … the shit with my dad and how that has affected so much … but this time, I saw a wee bit of light at the end of this tunnel I’ve been lost in since 2007.  I know I’ve felt guilt all my life, and when all that crap came out, the guilt increased tenfold.  Gratefully, I’ve been able to work my way through to a true point of understanding that I have nothing to feel guilty about regarding the shit with dad, but also the understanding that I feel “guilty about everything I do” … like really?  Where the fuck did that mindset come from?  Anyway, I haven’t completely obliterated guilty feelings, but I have made so much progress in that area that I have to smile and give myself a high five and maybe even an exploding fist bump!!  However, more will be revealed as they say in A.A., and here’s what was quite suddenly revealed … I feel shame and I didn’t even realize that I was because guilt was so much more obvious in my life.  I purposely opened the door to my monsters awhile ago, already knowing some of them … anger, jealousy, judgement, guilt, fear (of intimacy), fear (of being forgotten), and there are other little ones, but I sure as hell didn’t expect to see shame in the mix.  It’s almost like “duhhhh, Tina” hahahaha  This is new information for me, and I totally have everything I need to get to know this monster.  So yet another nugget, from the shitpile:)

Thing is, the family experience that took place, along with a day trip with John to Moose Jaw on Saturday, totally wiped me out … and then the whole time change thing … yeesh!!  Yesterday was spent on the couch with paper and pen to jot down thoughtballs … I wanted to nap it off, but I was vibrating from so much emotional stimulation over the past several days that I couldn’t calm down enough to sleep … so I moved to my meditation mat with my little fireplace in front of me, a coffee, paper and pen, and my Kuan Yin cards which I only use when I feel this way.  Poof! Hours passed as I allowed myself to exist in the emotional stimulation … and then I napped … hahahahahah oh man, did I nap!!  I woke up at 2:00 refreshed and clear in every way.  Nancy called and we had a wonderful chat about our shadows and insights we’ve had.  Then I danced in the shower … not quite as energetic as usual, but enough to wake my body up … and then, I rearranged my bedroom so that I could fit a small writing desk in front of the window.  This is something I’ve been “thinking” about doing for months, and I did it in a matter of 30 minutes before I had to go hang out with Henry.  30 minutes!!! That’s all it took, and now I have a new writing space, and my bed is in a better Feng Shui position than it was.

When I got home the full moon was shining through my window onto my bed, like I knew it would be.  I set up my crystals to be cleansed in it’s light and remembered to arrange them so they wouldn’t be in the shadows of any other crystals.  Then I crawled into bed with a hot cup of NeoCitran (ya, my body’s little soldiers are lining up for a little viral battle) and I relaxed for the first time in what seems to have been days, if not weeks.  There’s a difference between consciously relaxing, and relaxing naturally.  My body has had enough.  It’s almost as if with the revelation of shame, my body knows it doesn’t have to keep trying to keep the monster inside anymore.

This morning I woke with a sore throat, blah! but it’s tolerable and I know my body is healthy and strong and it fights infection, virus, and disease with ease;)  I’m not hitting the gym today though, but I will go outside and do tubs later this afternoon when it’s warmed up.  I did abit more reading on the Retrograde and Mercury will be going into it’s weaker post shadow phase as of the 16th, so I am considering the rest of this week to be the completion of beginnings, and will continue to maintain a steady pace knowing that a cycle in my life is wrapping up.