My sweet little …

… granddaughter turned four on Monday.  I forgot how wonderful that age is.  She told me that when God wakes up he says “feeling fine like turkey time” ahahahahaha omg, I just about peed my pants when she said that!!  There wasn’t a family birthday party this year which was a bit strange, and it kinda hurt a little too, but I’m learning to just roll with however my kids decide to run their lives.  One of the big changes too that I’m implementing is to just listen when one kid talks about the other and not make any comments … which isn’t all that easy because I only want my kids to play nice, but that has never really ever happened, which is an exaggeration of course … but why expect it now when they’re adults?

Not really sure how, when or why this happened, but I’ve come to see that I am a “needy” mom ughhhhh That sucked to write:(  New revelation … I don’t truly believe my kids love me which is a total crock of shit, but there’s a lot of regrets in raising them as pothead, then the shit with Dad, then Dennis dying … all things I can’t change and yet the regrets and guilt etc. have turned me into a mom who is always trying to “make up for ….”  Oh man tears!! I always want to say “I’m so sorry, please love me” to them …. why??????  This isn’t something I can talk to them about because it just makes me feel needier, so what can I do??  I can let them be adults and be proud of them and the good choices they’re making.  I can be there when They Need me.  I can stop using this stupid victim voice that seems to find it’s way into my psyche and be the strong woman I am … and live my life right here, right now, rather than in the past or worrying that my kids don’t love me, and as a random reader pointed out … just do it … no explanation.  Okay, not sure if I sorted anything out with that string of words, but the tears have stopped and I’m okay.

I really think all my broken bits are intertwined … love, trust, sex, money, addiction, self-worth, dependence/co-dependence.  It’s interesting how giving notice at work to pursue my life feels soooo good, even though I will be without a paycheque (for awhile) … withdrawing from relationships to focus on myself feels soooo good, even though I’m floundering abit right now with that … letting go of my children to be a woman first, then a mother feels uhhhhhh sorta good;) even though for the last 28 years I’ve been a mother first …. what’s next I wonder? and does there really need to be a next?  Maybe next is just for me to keep taking steps forward …….