One thing about …

… being not completely healthy is that I have been given unexpected and much needed Tina time on Wednesday, and now for the weekend too.  I rescheduled my commitments … arting with Nancy, coffee with Marilyn, SheShedding with my parents until next week.  I did still babysit A&H Wednesday night and probably could have done without, but I’m so glad I did.  Danitra and Jason went with their home group, sans children, to an all-you-can-eat wing night in a town an hour away.  When I showed up, Danitra was just brimming over with excitement to be away without the kids, and even commented that she had been looking forward to the evening since they had planned it.  So So glad I was well enough to hang with the g-kids so she could get a break.  I watch her be a mom, and am truly amazed at her skills.  People say she’s a good mom because she Has a good mom hahahaha, and yes, I wasn’t horrible, but I think for her, she’s a good mom because she learned from my mistakes, and really, that’s pretty darn awesome too.  I know I’m a Way better parent now than I was when my kids were little, and sometimes I get caught up in the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s, but a friend of mine just last week said “a mother has to allow for all her children’s karmic lessons too” … that really hit home and not that it gave me a pass or anything for the choices I made when raising my kids, it helped me step back and understand that they came into this world with their own lessons to learn and I’m just a part of those lessons, helping them learn what they need to learn in this lifetime, by learning what I need to learn in this lifetime ahahahahaha omg, hope when I read this at some other time, I understand what I’m trying to say.

John came over after work last night and we chilled for over an hour on the couch.  It’s nice to have someone to talk to, and he really seems to enjoy my company, even though there’s such an age difference.  I told him my story idea that I’m going to start writing on this weekend, and he said it was abit confusing to follow … I appreciated hearing that, and will try to make sure it doesn’t get too complicated.  The idea came to me when I was fevered Tuesday night and basically dying on the couch (uggghh), and then as I gave the story time to simmer, it blossomed.  Anyway, we both started yawning and realized if we didn’t get off our butts, we wouldn’t feel like to doing anything.  He had brought over a piece of plywood last weekend to put between the springs and mattress of my bed to firm it up abit, so that’s the project we tackled, and while I had my doubts, he knew what he was doing and the plywood plus two 2×4’s did the trick.  Of course, we had to “test” it out, and it handled the stress test quite well, thank you very much!  A late supper at the Ak, and RibRash was playing too!!  I do like that he doesn’t sleep over, although I think that would be something he would like.  Overall a thoroughly enjoyable evening.  I like John and he likes me.  I don’t feel pressure from him to be someone I’m not, although I don’t always show him All of me.  In saying that, I know he doesn’t show me All of him either.  He put it so well several weeks ago when he said “we have a nice cadence” … one of those keeper lines.

Part of my F.R.O.G. is intimacy … fear of??  Yes, but also an ignorance of … meaning, I was with one man for 30 years, and then suddenly I was thrown into the world of “getting to know someone else” along with getting to know myself as a single unit, split from my life partner.  John and I have been “hanging out” for over a year now … we do stuff … LOTS of stuff … and I think for both of us, that’s an important part of our relationship.  Sex is pretty awesome, and with John, I’m Never triggered … I just notice the bits that were affected way back as a kid and he doesn’t poke at them like a snake to see if it’s dead or alive.  We explore sex in a healthy and curious way (hmmmmm NTS – ponder on emotional age)  Over a year with this guy and I don’t feel pressured about anything … a Very good feeling:)  I asked him once what he wants from me, and he replied “whatever I can get” Lol … what’s interesting though, is that what I heard was, “whatever you want to give” … intimacy with someone is a give and take relationship … push pull … and staying balanced as well.  With John, this is how it is.  He has become part of my puzzle … big sigh:)

Log in to write a note
October 5, 2019

Interesting to me that you see the “whatever I can get” in a less selfish, “whatever you want to give me.” Context is a huge part of a phrase like that. Sounds like it is very healthy.

October 6, 2019

@poisonnoir

I’m slowly learning that it doesn’t really matter what someone wants from me, it’s Always up to me whether I give it or not … his “whatever I can get” felt like he doesn’t have an agenda or anything specific that he wants; he’s just leaving it up to me … it does feel healthy (had to hold back on the “for now”, but it’s still worth slipping in-between parenthesis;)

October 5, 2019

I wonder if he is thinking “wedding” as part of the whatever I can get?

October 6, 2019

@jaythesmartone

Lol well I’ve been there done that, and for me, that box has been ticked … and I told him right off what my position is … we both enjoy our space and freedom to do other things without the other person … so far it’s working:)