… the weekend with Jesse and Kim. He doesn’t look well at all. His skin is gray and he’s lost weight since I saw him only a month or so ago. I’m so glad he came down so that he could see everyone. It’s so cute to see how his great-grandkids love him to pieces, unconditionally. I’ll admit I was happy when he chose to sleep at Niko’s, but now this morning I wish he was here so I could have some one-on-one time with him, in peace and quiet hahahahaha I love my grandkids, but man when the four get going, the noise level is almost unbearable. He brought up Kathy who passed 19 years ago this coming Tuesday, and yet he never talks about Dennis. Both Dennis and his mom pretty much dropped dead, and then there’s Peter who is pretty much dying of old age. Pretty sure he’s facing his mortality, surviving his wife and two children. Anyway, I’m just glad he came down this weekend, and I’ll get to see him again today.
I’ve been trying for the last hour to find a way to start writing about my conversation with Shantal yesterday, so instead of going the direct route I figure maybe the roundabout way is better. I don’t actually remember much about what we talked about other than her giving me an update on life in Fort Mac. Her business is doing well and I could hear the passion in her voice in the new avenues she’s exploring to help women on their journeys through life’s challenges. Maybe I’m jealous and that is playing a part in the residual feelings and emotions I’m having from talking to her (NTS – research jealousy as an emotion). Most noticeable though was a deep rooted anger when we were talking, and when I started to feel that I stopped hearing her words. In fact, the more she talked the more she fed the anger. Where the hell did that come from? It was a touchy topic to begin with and one we’ve both been affected by … the shit with Dad. Whenever I’ve tried to talk to her about how I feel etc. about all the shit with Dad, she jumps in with her counselling voice, and most recently her Warrior Goddess voice. I don’t need that from her and I told her that yesterday, and while she thanked me for my courage to tell her my truth, something was just not right and that added to the anger I was feeling inside. FUCK! and then the BJ puts in her two cents and tells me I’m making waaaayyyyy too much out of this, and she was affected too by Dad’s choices, but dammit anyway, it wasn’t her girls who were molested!!!! and Warrior Goddess talk don’t cut shit with this stuff … at least NOT FOR ME!!!! and she keeps throwing it at me like it’s the answer to everything! Warrior Goddess talk is just another language for what I’m already doing … self-forgiveness, finding my voice, self-love, speaking my truth etc etc etc Is that judgement on my part?? Is that judgement on hers? I just want my sister to cry with about something that is just super shitty. I want her to hug me and just listen, not try to fix me like she does all her ladies that come to her for help. I’m not …. wow! I just got super dizzy … this is definitely worthy of further introspection. I woke in the night with pain from my achilles tendon … oh sure it’s probably because I overdid it with the grandkids yesterday or wearing my honkin winter boots BUT talking with her touched on my weak spot where I am most vulnerable …….. and then … I get pissed off at Maureen for sending me on my way with a book about Jesus just when we would be getting to talk about the shit with Dad!! Not all counsellors can handle people’s deepest darkest shit. So ya, I got some anger … and like I knew would happen, writing about it has smoothed it somewhat. The anger I felt yesterday wasn’t about Dad and his fucking poor choices, it was totally at Shantal and I could feel it rooted from childhood … really?? I mean really … wtf! I love my sister, but there’s something else there that needs untangling.