Saying no …

… is more about saying yes to something else … I really like the message it conveys and changing a negative no to a positive yes. Over the past several months I have taken a very hard look at the woman I see in the mirror, her behaviours, her thoughts and feelings, her reactions and so on, and I’ve made decisions. One thing about making decisions is that it doesn’t Really become a decision unless it is acted upon. Giving notice at work was actually quite an easy decision to make and act upon, and the aftershocks were minimal … a good decision.

John and I went out for supper on Saturday night, then drove around and looked at Christmas lights. We talked and laughed and just had a good time together. We Didn’t talk about the shift in our relationship however, which isn’t too surprising. When he put his hand on top of mine in the truck, I felt safe … strange word to use, but that’s what I felt.  He dropped me off at home and I didn’t ask if he wanted to come inside for awhile … a first … we said good night and that was it.  Sex and me have a love/hate relationship, and one of the decisions I’ve made is to back off from sex in all aspects for awhile … I need to do this because I have an unhealthy relationship with sex and I need to be Just ME for awhile … so I texted him last night and laid out my truth about how I feel and I asked questions about how he feels. He said ‘maybe Tina just wants to be single and free to fool around … or be alone … or do whatever the heck you want’ … his awareness surprises me sometimes … I replied ‘fooling around doesn’t interest Tina at all … but I do want freedom to do whatever the heck I want … And for awhile at least, I want to go it alone’ …… and guess what? He understands! Turns out he “based too much of my self worth or happiness on how much I get laid” hahahaha I love men’s vocabulary:)  So … we’re on the same page again … and we may still go out for supper or chase the sunset or whatever, but sex is on the “maybe later” list, and who knows when later will actually be.

And then there’s Dan … oh boy:( Not an easy conversation at all, and he doesn’t understand … at least not yet. I’ve known him for ten years and he has always shown an ability to process and work through life’s hiccups. He’s noticed me shifting in our relationship … less sexting … less time spent with him … less phone calls … and last night when we video chatted, he asked why. I knew it was coming, and while I was going to bring up the subject soon, I tend to leave things until the pressure is on (adrenaline rush gone wrong). Of course I cried … yeesh … but throughout the entire conversation I kept reminding myself to be truthful … to him, but also to me … I HAVE to do this … I HAVE to give quality time with minimal distractions to my shit …. which, I feel I am sooooo fucking close to unravelling. Will there be more shit to unravel after? Probably … but who cares! This is where I’m at right here, right now … and I’ve made a decision and it’s not an easy decision either because I like sex dammit! but it’s an unhealthy like, and no matter how I tried to explain that to Dan, he doesn’t understand that it’s Not about saying no to Him, it’s about saying yes to Me …. sigh … this morning he told me he’s hurt, angry, and shaken … he doesn’t know what to believe or believe in … that it feels like some of what went on with us was a sham. Yep, my shit got in the way when we met and it has potentially ruined not only a sexual relationship, but more importantly a friendship.

I have no clue where I’m going or what I’m going to do or what the Universe has in store for me … all I know is that when I woke up this morning, I felt good about what lies ahead. I am reclaiming something that was taken from me when I was little … my personal power.