… decisions need to be made. Decisions I’ve been mulling over for almost a year. Even getting sidetracked slightly with other things didn’t stop me from contemplating, weighing the pros and cons, allowing total insecurity to envelop me and then seeing it for what it truly is … fear … and understanding that fear of the unknown is a rabbit hole I just won’t fall into. John is a good ‘for instance’ … I don’t know what’s going on with him, but it’s for him to figure out, not me. I like him a lot … maybe even love him … but I’ve learned that love is complex and comes in many different shades … I love the title 50 Shades of Grey because that’s exactly what love is … from the lightest shade to the darkest and everything in-between. With him pulling back for whatever reason has created space for me to take a look at my side, and as harsh as this sounds, I don’t need him … it almost feels like I’ve been set free. That co-dependence thing I mentioned yesterday is a strange beast and I don’t know very much about it, but it fits. Since Dennis passed, the times I’ve felt most secure is when I’ve been independent, and in a certain way I have come to depend on John … for company, for help, for sex … hmmmmm is that all I get from our relationship?? Wow, that’s kinda superficial, so maybe a break isn’t such a bad thing. We DO have fun together though …. like Sooooo much fun and that’s definitely a big plus, so I’ll just sit back and see what happens.
Some very cool guidance has been revealed over the last couple of days relating to the life-changing decisions I’ve been contemplating. Stepping into recovery again is a most excellent place to start. Last night I experienced my thoughts and emotions with a clear head and even though it was painful to experience, it was also liberating, and that secure independent feeling I like so much was sitting in the corner smiling. Getting high is NOT what I want in my life … been there done that for decades, and as I’ve found out over the last four months (fuck has it Only been four months??) it GETS IN MY WAY!!!
I am a LovelyWoman and the time has come to shake things up!!!