Spent the morning …

… on the couch yesterday meditating, dozing, dreaming.  I was tired from the weird day on Saturday, plus being up in the night with pain, so it was exactly what I needed and I didn’t once berate myself.  I dreamt that Dennis was alive and he had just gone on a trip.  He left so I could do stuff, but then he came back.  I hugged him and recognized that my wish had been granted and was so grateful to the Universe.  I told him I was so sorry for how things were between us before he died.  He didn’t reject my words, and yet didn’t accept them either.  He said he had a present for me and gave me a greeting card with words in different languages, and I had to decipher … the only word I could translate was ‘cursing’ but there were two more that I got close to figuring out.  He went into the living room to get my present and came back with small boxing gloves on his hands.  I thought he was going to punch me, but instead he punched a purple balloon.  Then he rushed upstairs and I heard a Lot of water running.

It wasn’t a ‘feel good’ dream to say the least, but it was still a connection and a message from him.  I might tell Nancy about it and see what she gets from it.  When I finally got up, I felt rested but kinda sad … maybe more emotionally spent.  Kaity got into town at about 1:30 and it was so good to hug her.  We picked up Chinese for the fam jam, then headed out to the farm.  It was a great afternoon just hangin out.  Peter looked a lot better today.  I bundled up Jocelyn and we went outside for half an hour even though the windchill was brisk.  At 1 1/2 years, she ‘s already an adventurer.  After supper, instead of pulling out a board game we connected our phones to the smart tv and played different games …. sigh … it was fun, but definitely different than sitting around a table and rolling dice or shuffling cards.  Home and in bed by 8:30, and for the third night straight had trouble falling asleep and for the third night straight woke up in the middle of the night, then tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, then for the third morning straight woke up at 4:00 ish.  It is becoming a pattern.

Today is Remembrance Day and writing Seeds of Peace over the last month reminded me that I take peace for granted.  I haven’t been touched by war like some people so it’s not easy to relate, hence the taking for granted.  Doing just the little bit of research on WWI for my story, gave me a bit of a perspective of what it was like and it helped me embody Alex, as he dreamscaped from 100 years from now back to 1915, and experience the horror of war he felt.  I know it’s just fiction, but somehow it feels like I was the one who dreamscaped.

I know John struggles with winter blues, so I messaged him on Saturday to see how he was doing, as a friend.  Regardless of where our relationship has gone or is going, I am and always will be his friend.  In his words, he’s “alright”, and told me about the process he’s going through to apply for a pistol license (he recently joined the gun club in town).  That was about it … he hasn’t texted since and neither have I.  Such a strange development, and the longer it plays out like this, the more I retreat.  I wonder if there was more I should have done … hard to say when I don’t really know what’s going on.  The adolescent inside me really doesn’t have a clue what to do.  The adult inside me is just plain tired of the up and down of the relationship.

Today is 11.11 and a friend sent me a link about today being the most powerful manifesting day of the year because of the ultra-rare astrological event taking place where Mercury is in retrograde and aligned precisely with the Sun.  There is a manifestation exercise that is suggested to do at 11:11 am and again at 1:11 pm that I’m gonna try and do.  I really need to get my head out of my ass and start focusing on the good stuff again, and maybe something like this will help.