The first of four …

… weeks is over until my last day, and for the most part went quite well.  It was cool to have a couple of ‘confirmation moments’ in which I needed to go to the back and internally scream, then remind myself that this is exactly why I gave notice.  I don’t like saying I quit my job, because I’m Not a quitter!  Too stubborn for that to happen hahahahah It’s interesting how the everyday language we use, subliminally tells us untruths about who we are and what we are doing.  For instance whenever I say “I quit my job” to someone, I hear “you’re such a quitter … you never follow through on anything you do in life … yada yada yada”  I have no clue where that  message originated from, but it’s there.  Oh sure there are projects that remain unfinished, but I persevere with the big deal projects and I’m Not quitter, so I tell people that I gave notice at work and my last day is December 13.  The words we use whether we are speaking to someone else or to ourselves have energy … some of that energy is obvious … like making a mistake and telling myself that I’m such an idiot … yeesh … I’m not an idiot and I totally know that, so when those words come out, it’s obvious and easy to see the lie.  Some of the energy from our words is more subtle, especially if the words are used in everyday language, such as “quitting your job” …. shaking my head … now that I see it, it’s not subtle anymore.  I wonder what other words I use that subliminally tell me untruths?

John and I have been trying to communicate via texting about how things went weird between us.  I flipped through pictures on my phone over the past year and damn, we did stuff and had fun doing it!  I miss that a lot.  The sex was pretty good too, but …… and that’s where we’re at now … trying to figure out what we want in the relationship, from each other and for ourselves … and sex plays a pretty major role in it for both us.  Can we find balance?  Texting was getting tiresome and it’s easy to misunderstand, so I invited him out for supper tonight … maybe we will talk about this and maybe we won’t.

In the space given since we ‘separated’, I’ve spent a lot of time considering where I want to go next in my life.  Of course, giving notice has a huge impact on that, as well as the upcoming end of my 54th cycle, and for whatever reason, the fifth anniversary since Dennis passed feels significant … hmmmmmm 5 seems to be the number … my last day is on my 55th birthday, fifth anniversary is 05.01.20 – May = 5; idk grasping?? hahaha who cares! It’s fun to see patterns:)  Have I come up with a decision through all this consideration?  Yep, pretty sure I have, but not quite ready to put it “out there”.  I’m on the brink of a revelation and rushing now could easily take me down another path … the scenic route so-to-speak, but I’ve seen enough scenery for awhile thank you very much, so a direct route would be just fine by me:)