Too much has happened …

to go into precise detail, and as the days ahead unfold, I am certain reference to the happenings during my time with Russell will surface.  To establish a timeline though, I flew to Syracuse, NY on 07.20 and he picked me up at the airport.  For the next 8 days we drove fast and hard to be back in Regina in time for him to hop a plane to Puerto Vallarta and I could return to work for the week.  On his return, he came to be in my world for four days, before driving off on his own roadtrip through the States until the end of August.  During this time together, I told him several times that I was withdrawing from our relationship, but it wasn’t until the last evening that he finally understood that I was serious.  We agreed to eliminate phone calls and Messenger, and that emailing would be okay.

A total of 12 days we had together and the result is that the space I referred to before continues to grow.  Russell and I maintain our friendship, but I am insistent on remaining withdrawn from his energy … this gets abit difficult to explain, but his energy is so strange … charismatc and manipulative all rolled into one … I think the ‘label’ is narcissist.  It’s easy to talk about how he makes me feel ‘less than’ in here, or to my friend Nancy … than it is to him.  Why??  Because I know he will turn my words around, and somehow I will believe him that what I’m feeling isn’t true … and then within minutes of hanging up or logging out, I’ll be like “wtf?? I DO feel this way!!”

Nancy asked me why I allow people who hurt me to be in my life … she was referring to Russell, and in a minor way to my dad … and then later, it came to me, that I did the same thing with my grampa decades ago …. I allow people who hurt me to remain in my life … “Why?”was a very good question, and my reply was that I would feel broken if I didn’t forgive or love or understand or accept or or or … what the hell anyway!!  Her point to me is that if someone hurts her, she has no use for that person in her life, no matter who it is.  Do I want to be like her?  What Would actually happen if I cut Russell completely out of my life?  Or my dad?  Danitra hurts me too in certain ways … how could I cut my own daughter out of my life?  I understand that I’m taking this to extremes, but the question is whether I want to be like Nancy.

There is so much on the internet about honouring yourself, and self-respect, and not letting people hurt you, and walking away from people that do, but I rarely see anything saying to walk away with forgiveness, or walk away with love, or walk away with compassion and understanding …. the person who hurts is hurting too …. regardless of them realizing it …. and even if they do on some level, are they not deserving of love and hope and compassion?  For me to cut someone completely out of my life because they hurt me, is like turning my back on the love and compassion and forgiveness I have inside me, and I won’t do that.  That in itself is not respecting who I am.  This is tricky though, because I also will Not allow anyone to hurt me (anymore, referring to Russell) and what that means for me, is saying “No … not this time”.  As for my Dad, he lives with a broken heart because of the choices he made … I see that … forgiveness is not easy, and I can’t truly say that I have forgiven him, but every time I give him love and compassion, I can see that he hurts just a little bit less, and surprisingly, so do I.

So do I want to be like Nancy?  My answer is No.