We spent the …

… afternoon getting almost nothing accomplished.  That’s what you get with expectations, and I’m not sure if my mom will ever totally understand that about expectations.  She wants things done her way, and while she’s open for discussion ahead of time, once the plan is in place there is little to no wiggle room for the ‘unexpected’.  They came prepared to help wrap my shed and install the door … however, my dad was Not on that page ahahha omg, and my mom lost it ……. and then, the unexpected …… she started to cry.  My mom doesn’t cry … she gets angry … she shakes her hands and rolls her eyes … she drops swear words faster and harsher than any sailor (not to point a finger at sailors;) …. but yesterday, the dam broke and she cried.  I saw the vulnerable side of her that she RARELY shows to anyone, maybe even my dad included.

In the years since the shit with dad went down she has been on her own journey of pain, grief, healing and moving on.  My journey since then has been challenging, and while I’ve thought about hers off and on since 2007, I’ve never really put myself in her shoes … until yesterday when she cried.  She’s one of those people who are in a ‘taking care of’ their spouse position.  My dad has numerous health issues and he pretty much can’t be left alone, so they come as a package deal, and mom is getting tired of taking care of him.  She’s such a strong woman and while her delivery can be brusque to put it mildy, I don’t think she realizes that it’s okay to say how much she goes through day in and day out, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

After she lost it in frustration that dad didn’t know we were going to put up the door (something so minor that triggered her), she went to the van and started ‘rummaging’ through her bag.  I saw what she was doing.  Distracting herself … getting a grip … freaking out hahahah … and I laugh because I sooooo do the same thing!!! hahaahahahah and now I’m crying … too fucking funny!  So I walked over, and not sure if I said something or just gave her a hug and wouldn’t let her go.  I could hear her swallowing her emotions.  When I did let her go, all she said was “it sucks” and I agreed because it Does suck … and then I said other things that I can’t remember … it was a strange moment in time with her.

Then I watch my dad … always in physical pain … and probably what’s worse, always living with guilt because of the choices he made.  Am I assuming? Maybe … but I don’t think so.  We all make choices in our lives … some good, some not-so-good, and some that destroy lives and families, including our own.  How Could that not affect us in some way?

“They” say forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting … Sigh:(

The rest of the afternoon was a series of strange moments … overcoming obstacles and having totally the wrong tools to do what we intended to do (with the shed) and making the best of it … kinda profound in a certain way.  I look back on the afternoon and can see so many insights and lessons and all that jazz … and it has left me with an ache in my heart.