… I gave my resignation at the end of the day yesterday … one month’s notice … my last day will be on my 55th birthday … Freedom 55 baby!! Even if it is for only a few weeks. The day was invigorating because I knew what I was going to do, and at the same time it was kinda weird because nobody else knew. The closer it got to the end of the day, the more amped up I was getting. One of the books I’m reading suggests being aware of my body and how it feels during an experience. By 5:00, my tummy had that ‘funny feeling’ in it, like butterflies, but it was something else, so I put my hand on it and closed my eyes and asked myself what I was feeling …. excitement, anticipation, and (now get this) happiness. I needed to wait for the last customer to pick up their vehicle and that just added to the hypersensitive feelings I was experiencing. Then I noticed my hands started shaking abit hahahahah nerves I suppose, and then I felt my pits getting wet omg too funny!! I love my body:)
I gave my letter of resignation to my direct supervisor, Jason, and he took it without any expression on his face. Oh to be able to do that!! He asked if I was moving on to something else and I replied “yes … my life” and in that simple response I knew I was making the right decision. He said “it’s okay” which was odd, but maybe he saw something on my face and felt he needed to reassure me, or maybe he was reassuring himself. I asked if we should talk to JR about this and he said he would tell him after I had gone home. Omg Monday is going to be interesting for sure.
It wasn’t even five minutes after giving Jason my letter, when JR, David, Dean, Ashley and Nick all congregated at the service desk and basically picked the day for the staff Christmas party to be on my last day, without even knowing I had quit. All I could do was sit on my stool and smile, thoroughly enjoying what was going on, not at anyone’s expense of course, but just the heightened awareness of being alive … and then everyone said good night and went into their own lives. As I turned off the lights, I watched Jason, my letter in hand, call out to JR. I smiled and walked out.
The next hour was a wee bit of a blur … drove home in a state of shock. Incredulous is the word that comes to mind, but when I look it up, I don’t like the definition except for disbelief. I could hardly believe it, and then I screamed to break the energy. That’s when the excitement hit again. I parked in front of my house and texted my kids, my sister, Dan and John. I was vibrating and coming apart at the seams, and sharing my news with people who are important to me was exactly what I needed. They all knew my intentions of quitting, but only Dan knew that I had gone to work with the letter. Their love and support was amazing, and even Niko sounded happy for me:)
I didn’t want to go inside though. I was immobilized and content to sit in my RAV with the heat on full blast and the windows open. The sounds I heard were amplified, the trains especially, so I just sat and listened. What a rush!! Then slowly everything calmed to a peaceful stillness, and mild fatigue hit. I put the seat back and rested. That’s when John texted and said he would like to hang out with me tonight if I didn’t have any plans. I said I didn’t, so he came into town about an hour later, giving me a chance to come back to reality.
I sort of regretted agreeing to hang out with him … especially after his withdrawal over the last few weeks. I would have been totally fine hanging out with myself last night, but I still haven’t figured out how to say no Lol … plus, I kinda wanted to find out how it felt to be with him after a couple of weeks of not … still shake my head at his behaviour. He brought me ice cream, vanilla haagen daz yum yum yummmmmm, and gave me a hug when he walked in which was nice. We sat on the couch, and I easily slipped back into being close to him, but it was also different. Affection without attraction. He touched me, but nothing sexual … laid his hand on my knee, put his arm my shoulders, patted my hand etc. I didn’t pull back, but I didn’t reciprocate either. It feels right to set some boundaries with him, and with other people too which I’ll probably get into at some point in another entry. I considered bringing up the shift in his behaviour/our relationship, but it wasn’t the right time. We talked until about 9:30 and then I said it was time for me to go to bed. He gave me another hug at the door, and that was about the only awkward moment of the evening.
This morning as I write about the experience, the energy has softened but the excitement of something new remains. I have no clue what gonna happen next for me, and for now I am enjoying the feeling of doing something for myself … plus I still have one more month to put in at work. I’ve given this decision a lot of thought, time, and attention over the past year, and even though things aren’t turning out exactly how I had hoped, meaning I still need to work instead of taking a year off, I’m good with that.