Your Choice to BE or to act … I Want to be …
I dont know what my life is all about anymore… I serve no purpose…I guess its all about how well I endure pain and disappointment. I merely exsist but I dont know why.
When I had my babies I exsisted for them…my babies are mostly grown up and have happy lives without me. My Austin I will never see again… he is lost to me and I cant stop remembering and I cant stop hurting … he wanted me to feel pain … he wanted me to cry and never stop … he damned me to this hell of a life…… you did it Austin you killed me but you didnt kill my love for you … it has me prisoner for eternity. You said all of this is because I didnt protect you ? Protect you I did but you had a hand in everything that occurred also… your disrespectful, swearing mouth … your actions set everything out of control. One time things get angry and you are out the door damning me and everyone you leave behind….. you left something very crutial to your exsistance as you ran away … you left yourself and you left the "one" person who loved you completely.
If the world reacted the way you did to an unpleasent situation there would not be a world of anything. I stood up for you but you choose to believe that I did not … through all the emotions and yelling how could you hear me ??? You didnt want to hear me … you wanted to leave where you felt life for you would be better. I wonder how better it has been for you. I thing at first it was promising and you were trying to paste back the family you once had but you had all the wrong pieces… they dont fit … you are my son, my baby, my little boy … they dont know you and he never did know you. He was mad that you were dropped on his doorstep when he was going to start his new life with his pretend wife in Fla. He was on his way when you arrived and he expressed to me how angrey that Erik and I screwed up and you ended up on his doorstep.
We loved you (Erik and I) I remember when you couldnt walk and we took you to the doctors and Erik had to carry you out of the car and into a wheel chair, I remember all the times he came with me to the school and talked to the teachers about your education and when we all three of us went to the movies after going to the mall to buy you your early XMas gift (healys sneakers) when your father never showed up to pick you up, as discussed. He never called you, he wasnt consistent about spending time with you, he never made time for you, he just fit you in. Why cant you see … he is your father but as I have learned through the painful lessons you have bestoyed upon me … you can be called a mother, father, son but it is your choice if you want to be .. you can play the part or you can be the part and I have alway chose to be your mother… I love you so much and you hurt me so deeply. . . the pain runs so deep… who are you to punish me ??? I hope you never are judged and punished and not forgiven by someone you love … its a slow death ………….and you have done this to me…BUT I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU