Well, it’s been so long since I wrote that I don’t even know where to begin. I did write at pb for a while but that ended a year & a half ago. I didn’t really have many friends or readers but the ones I did have, seemed to write less & less or just disappear altogether which felt fairly discouraging. And I started to feel like I was talking to myself which felt counterproductive & depressing!
So, during the time I stopped writing.. its been a whirlwind of nonstop stress – ups & downs..In short, 2016 til now has been pretty distressful, turbulent, traumatic but that’s putting it mildly. My dad had a stroke in Aug of 2016 & thats when all my problems began and I started falling apart. Everything has just continued to spiral downwards & at times, I’ve felt complete hopelessness and pain.
The most noticeable change has been in my health & the way I have disintegrated. Its like I stopped being able to cope with the stress and hurtful or negative emotions & pushed it all down and it started coming out but instead with physical symptoms, psychosomatic.
Its widely known that I have severe ibs (at x i can’t function or go anywhere during a flare up)…but it had been in remission for a few yrs and I thought I was overcoming it until all of a sudden, it came back in full force. To the point where I had to go to urgent care 2x in last yr as I felt I was dying and pain was unbearable.
I have mostly been sick this entire yr & have had many gastrointestinal appts including a colonoscopy & endoscopy. But its not just stomach issues, Im constantly dealing with other issues that make me feel pretty crappy.
I had anxiety previously but the level and intensity in the past yr has deepened to a whole new level I never knew existed and at x is terrifying and scary.
I literally can’t handle crowds noise concerts, things I used to do and love. I freak out & get scared. I dont know why it happens but it happens when I think Im ok or having fun and blindsides me and I have no control over the fear or panic and overwhelm I feel and the need to flee to a safe quiet place!
I’ve been put on zoloft (for ptsd) this past spring but in addition to that I’m also on a benzodiazepine (for insomnia and anxiety/panic attacks) & a mood stabilizer. In addition I’m on meds for gastritis & digestion issues. My spouse is not very supportive & resents me 99 percent of the time. I am always upset & find it hard to focus because of constant distractions & fighting.
My energy level is very low and I was diagnosed with high blood pressure a week ago & put on a beta blocker. Ive never had high blood pressure in my life but I think this past yr has put me thru the wringer & my body is unable to cope or keep up with everything.
I’m in my 40’s so maybe this is what it means to get old and high blood pressure runs in my family. But still!
In any case, its not been fun and I have lost most of my spark, zest & determination because I just feel too overwhelmed or beaten down most of the time. I am introverted so maybe my sensitivity is connected to that. 😞
I wish I had something happier to write about but this is currently what I am dealing with & writing a first entry after being gone for so long is both daunting and nerve wracking. 😩
I feel a little lost right now but od coming back is a dream come true and couldn’t have happened at a better time in my life! I really do need this place & have missed it deeply!!!
I am thrilled to be back as I was one of the early original members. I joined in Summer of 1999 & was here for years. I was an avid writer back in the day & had a lot of close relationships via my diary altho it was long ago & many of those people are long gone but I am very sentimental about od & those early days. But I am just a very nostalgic soul anyway.
OD was a main fixture in my life and a good emotional outlet and place to meet like minded people for connection + support.
It is exciting to be back and I hope to reconnect with past od members as well as meet and make new friends! 🐱
I did have to give up my original od name because of harrassment so sadly I don’t have my original name but the name I have now, I wrote under for approx. 10 years.
So, if anyone is reading, thanks for listening and nice to meet you! I look forward to exploring the new od more – very soon 👻