never want to be the diagnosis
for your bad posture
both of you saddled down
like pack animals
two little burros struggling
under lumpy canvas sacks
filled with my fear of sundown
my hilly moods
& a mission of self-violence
i am always left to wonder
if my many days of illness weigh
more or less
than one shoreless goodbye


our subaru was a bullet
shot through that thunderstorm
i rolled the windows down
and we shrieked and laughed
as the rain pelted our faces
doctors would call it
a symptom of mania
instead i tell you that
your mother is a divining rod
for the naturally occurring chaos
found in the universe
just another example of me
trying to market my illness
as theme park adventure
before you recognize it
for the actual devastation it is


being your mother
is a lot like being caught in
a chinese finger trap
that i donโ€™t actually want
to free myself from

Log in to write a note
December 4, 2019

These are very good. Sad but very well written. I wish I had more to say because they deserve a better response. You’re so talented.

December 4, 2019


*bats eyes at you* hello, gingey.


December 4, 2019

@thecriticsdarling I just wrote a long note and then I remember what your entry is about and so I deleted it. I went on a Mormon rant, where I say freakin’ a lot. Okay. So. This is pointless.

December 4, 2019

@heffay Boo hiss, RP. You can leave any note you want. All ears. Eyes.

December 4, 2019

I don’t think your children would ever actually want to free themselves from that “Chinese finger trap”, either. Nor have to say a shoreless goodbye to a mother who writes such achingly beautiful poetry for them.

I’m out of the loop (though I did just catch up on your previous couple entries), but I like that I remain familiar enough with your OD that I readily recognize some references harkening back to old entries. That brazen joyride through a terrible tempest, oh dear.

I felt compelled to listen to the sorrowfully soulful song of the entry twice

December 4, 2019

@drbajahi the lead singer of that band killed himself very shortly after that album was released, which isn’t very surprising if the lyrics are at all indicative of his mental state. He was the lead singer of the band Frightened Rabbit. (Mastersystem was a side project.) If you haven’t heard Midnight Organ Fight, worth a listen. There’s a song on there (My Backwards Walk) that reduces me to tears every time. Another song, Floating in the Forth, is how he ended up killing himself eventually. He was a super talented, charming guy…who suffered terribly.

I haven’t written much here either lately due to my own mental state. The depression and suicidal ideation has been extreme, moreso than usual. Most of my energy is spent convincing myself to stay, the rest is spent trying to hide it from my kids. I’m hoping I’m on my way out….been digging my way up the past few days. We’ll see.

I’m glad you’re back.ย  Can’t wait to read further adventures.

December 6, 2019

@thecriticsdarling I was sad to read, upon returning to OD, that things have been grimmer for you lately. Though I did find some reassurance in your previous entry when you discussed your new, no-nonsense therapist who takes you to task in beneficial ways. And then of course, as always, all of your devoted OD readers are here to help you keep convincing yourself to stay.

I just listened to both recommended songs, and, for each, the melancholy was heavy yet somehow comforting (i.e., songs that could put someone at peace before saying goodbye). And now I’ve made a somber connection upon learning that the lead singer of Frightened Rabbit took his own life: As I initially started listening to “Bird Is Bored of Flying”, I thought — during the instrumental intro — “This is giving me echoes of ‘Atmosphere’ by Joy Division.” That song was of course a goodbye of sorts from Joy Division lead singer Ian Curtis, who also tragically took his own life (very shortly after the release of “Atmosphere”).

December 7, 2019


I know it will be ok eventually.ย  This is the only place I really have to come and discuss this stuff–besides at therapy…and even there, I struggle.

Oh man, yeah, Ian Curtis. I was not into Joy Division as much as my children’s father, who likes them…which is surprising, because I usually am all about the tragic musicians who die young… (Jeff Buckley, Elliott Smith, Amy Winehouse, Etc…)

๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for being one of my OD friends. I really feel like we need an OD Convention….LOL.

December 4, 2019

I really hope you publish something one day. Sad, but so honest.

December 4, 2019


thanks… I am trying to make little changes/goals. I’m trying to find little things I can give myself. One of the things I have on my list is writing more poetry again. I used to write all the time before kids, and I miss it….

December 6, 2019

@thecriticsdarling Do continue to do so, however you can, because you have a gift. And especially if it heals you, plus, it can help your kids understand you more later too. ๐Ÿ™‚

December 5, 2019

I love all of these, but I -really- love the second one.

December 7, 2019

@thediarymasterย  Thank you so much. And in that same vein of gratitude, thank you for giving us this safe place to post our expression… ๐Ÿ™‚

December 9, 2019

@thecriticsdarling you’re very welcome!