Just Another Buzzard

TRIGGER WARNING

to you, c.,

that day has started to come back. i remember i was maybe almost 6 & shake-shattering into a million pieces on your bed. a wine glass dropped in the middle of a dinner party. a baseball through the window of an abandoned old house. shards and pieces you can’t jigsaw back together with patience and superglue to create a mosaic replica of the original object. no, instead i was loose change, fallen from a hole in your pocket and left uncollected on your mattress. you undid your pants, dropped them to the floor &, at the soft thud, every muscle of mine tensed into the stone form of medusa’s victims. i closed my eyes because if i don’t see it, it didn’t happen. it was the only way i had to try and keep you out. you had just laid your hands on me to push my head down, when there was a meat-knuckled rap on the door. you strangled out a hang-on and fumbled to get your pants up. and for one moment, one brief & beautiful moment, there was a bluebird of hope in the room with me. maybe it’s my mom. maybe she is checking in on me. maybe today is the day she saves me. but no, it was someone else that barged into the trailer before you were able to change the tableau…so in the end it wasn’t a bluebird or even a crow in the trailer with me…it was just another buzzard to pick over my bones. 

i smelled this person first…smelled the tang of yesterday’s booze sweating through his pores. there was a taut tightrope of silence as he realized what he walked in on. you assured him, “don’t worry, she won’t say anything, will you, roxanne?” in the dicey-ness of that moment, i remained mute with fear & confusion. your friend said, “yeah, but how do you know I won’t?” and you patted my leg. you patted my leg and he understood. he came over and slid his grubby paw up the inside of my bare thigh, soft as the underbelly of a rabbit… there was no conversation, no arm-twisting, no “maybe we shouldn’t.” no. there was just a pat on my fucking leg as an invite to my body in return for his silence. and then you both began. i cried more than usual and your friend complained. he made fun of me for my nose running. “jesus christ, chris, she’s got a fucking runny nose. gross.”  

he thought my runny nose was gross after holding me down so that you could take your turn after him. 

since finally understanding the details of this memory within the past couple years, the memory of that moment you patted my leg tortures me…that gesture encapsulates the terms for the loan of my body to him that you drew up without my fucking permission & that he agreed to, by etching his name on my skin with his fingers. and here i am, still paying off the interest…i admit, i have a perverse desire to go on living just to pay off my debt with the hatred i have for you. 

fuck you and fuck your ratfuck friend. 

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August 26, 2018

These words brush close. And you’re a fantastic writer.

August 26, 2018

@dbcooper thank you for your kind words….I apologize for the disturbing content. I was struggling with  dissociation for most of the night so I just decided to open a vein and let it out, so to speak, to ysee if it helped.

August 26, 2018

@thecriticsdarling I watched my wife struggle with dissociation for a long time. I won’t say I know how hard it is…just that I know what she went through. I hope it did help.

August 26, 2018

@dbcooper I have read just vaguely about your wife’s struggles in your OpenDiary…and I’m sorry she was robbed of peace in this life. I don’t know if it helped but it’s not in me anymore. Hope to read more from you soon.

By the way, I know who DB Cooper was, but your diary name always reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs, Rain in Soho by the Mountain Goats.

August 27, 2018

@thecriticsdarling “No one broke DB Cooper’s fall?”

Just listened – interesting sound to that song.

August 27, 2018

@dbcooper  actually the glum little secretive goth girl inside of me is a fool for the lyrics:

There’s a club where you’d like to go
You could meet someone who’s lost like you
Revel in the darkness like a pair of open graves
Fumble through the fog for a season or two

it’s so patently melodramatic and silly. i love it.

August 27, 2018

@thecriticsdarling

Oh, I can totally understand. Complete sucker for the entire Concrete Blonde ‘Bloodletting’ album.

And still the whining of the wheels
Sounds closest to the way I feel and
Winter comes, and winter goes,
And always has & will
Another hour, another day, another year
You pissed away
Remember walking in the rain?
I’m walking there still.

August 27, 2018

@dbcooper I’m craving a shopping trip at Hot Topic after reading those lyrics. Lol.

August 28, 2018

@thecriticsdarling Johnette Napolitano is a hero of mine.

I was never very goth myself, but I sure had a lot of friends who spent a ton of money Hot Topic, that’s for sure.

August 28, 2018

@dbcooper I actually an not goth myself….although people made assumptions about me in my youth based on my pale appearance, extreme eyeliner, dark lipstick,dyed black hair and odd dress…I am fascinated by the culture and do love morbid things…but philosophically I am actually too optimistic (shhhh, it’s a secret) and  tend towards appreciating life too much to really be goth

August 26, 2018

Visceral gut wrenching writing. I want not to believe it happened.

August 26, 2018

@robertleroy I want to believe the same thing.

August 28, 2018

It never ceases to amaze me how nonchalantly people can claim ownership of our bodies as if we don’t have a say in it. And, in fact, sometimes they don’t allow us to. I’m sorry you went through this, and more sorry that you had to resurrect and dissect this memory.  💙

August 31, 2018

Horrible experience. Beautiful expression of it. I hope writing it helped.

August 31, 2018

Like, I just read it again and I know this is going to simmer with me for a while. “…shake-shattering into a million pieces on your bed…”

August 31, 2018

@mavis  hi, thank you for your kind notes. i am not sure it helped–but it worked like the magician’s assistant…distracted me from the trick that was taking place in front of me so i can believe in magic another day, i guess 🙂 thank you!