LEMONS

 

LEMONS

Little sister, I confess:
found your old diary & read it
years after you hacked me
out of the landscape of your life
for reasons unknown.
Like Bluebeard’s bride,
I paid the price of intimacy
in the currency
of things learned
that hurt me to know. 

You detailed punching yourself
hard in your stomach
over and over and over
till the mental counter
that keeps
 track of the blows
spins like the
 symbols
on a one armed bandit.
But you get no cherries, no sevens
all you get are lemons in a row.

After reading this,
I
 wanted to say something, apologize
for not recognizing you
as the single-celled
organism of sel
f loathing
you
 were when you were writing
those entries alone in your room
of the apartment we shared,

but the string between
the tin can telephones of our youth
has long been severed
by your scissors
and now there is just
the echo of my scream
in the rusty cylinder.

Still,
I wish like hell you had
 told me, Jen,
if nothing else,
I would have tried to understand.

 

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November 9, 2020

😔

November 10, 2020

@tigerhawk I don’t know how to read that emoji. Next time maybe leave an interpretive dance?

Hate to break it to you, mostly when I’m writing here I’m a sad twat. Outwardly, I have a perverse sense of humor, love playing pranks and have a loud, wicked laugh… Most people know me as that. But the more genuine me is probably found here…and sad.

I keep dreaming of her lately,my younger sister. I gave 2 other siblings besides her that I have no real relationship with one-one by my choice because she’s toxic, the other is much younger than me and is too busy to hang with his older, boring sister and her kids. No animosity there, but no relationship either.  The loss of a relationship with my younger sister grieves me to no end. I’ve done nothing I can even apologize for and it is pointless for me to reconcile so I grieve quietly from afar…waiting to see if she ever invites me back in.

November 10, 2020

@thecriticsdarling – Well, I’m really not sure how to do an interpretive dance though words alone, but I suppose the writer in me could try to pull something out of the arse at some point.

*He tries to stand on his tippy-toes but falls on his bum…stuffed with Charmin because he knows he’s a klutz*

The emote face was just something in that I wanted to leave something on here but otherwise not knowing what to say. Emote in its purest form, I guess.

Sistah, on this site, most of my entries from months,and even years past have been downers as well. On my profile I have that, “…this is my place to spew” and it is that. It ain’t a FB-judgy place and is otherwise a uniquely therapeutic experience.  The downer parts are more than understandable. This is kind of a therapy/support group hybrid.  Spew away…no judgment here.

November 12, 2020

@thecriticsdarling – Oh! I meant to say, I’m rather the same…perverse sense of humor, laugh that can make you wonder what the mental state is and makes you wonder why I am how I am. But yeah, otherwise…shove that shit back in the box when it wants to leap back out. I’m really trying to keep the Dark more under control. So either way, I hear you there.

November 14, 2020

Not only is this beautifully heartbreaking and an incredible confession, it also speaks to me, as a person living with a person with mental illness who hates himself.
I am not sure what I am going to do with this perspective, but I am going to hold onto it until the answer comes to me.

November 16, 2020

Aaaaaand goosebumps. We are all flawed. 😐

November 16, 2020

@free_spirit_gal I just really miss her lately. It’s been a hard year…. For everyone, I know, but I just wish I could talk to her sometimes. Lately I dream about her writing me, telling me she misses me….

November 17, 2020

@thecriticsdarling  This year has definitely been hard for everyone, but if you already had so much to deal with in the regular world, this year is just too much. And then you lost someone so key to your story… I find that writing letters “to people” I can’t talk to really helps me (something like what you did here), and sometimes, depending on the situation, I end up sending them. Did she cut you out? When was the last time you spoke, and what happened then? I’m a true believer of “ruined” relationships healing. I basically came into Brian’s life and made his entire family make up lol. His brother made me cry on my birthday a couple of years ago, acknowledging the bridge I provided for them. They all had to let go of pride to make it happen, though, and obviously, it has to be a combined effort on all parts involved. But one part CAN open the door for the process to begin.

November 17, 2020

@free_spirit_gal There’s no point in reconciling. She cut me out when I told her I was unhappy with the current state of our relationship and wanted to be close like we used to be. (Even in our closeness, she did some shitty things to me like signing up for the military and leaving without telling me … Even though we shared a fucking apartment.) She responded with such hatred and venom, like she had been holding onto that vitriol for years and I didn’t even know it. I tried to respond and say I felt like she had misinterpreted what I was saying and that I loved her and she knew where to find me, if she wanted me in her life. She responded again with such hatred that I didn’t feel like I could respond…. I sent her a scrap of paper a couple years ago that simply said “I miss you all the time.” She sent me a letter that let me know my presence wasn’t welcome in her life. I never heard from her again. She never acknowledged my kids on their birthdays and holidays  She was on Skype last year when I stopped by my mom’s once. She looked right through me, like I didn’t exist. There is no point in reconciliation… While I miss and love her, it’s too one sided to do anything but hurt me if I tried to reconnect.

November 18, 2020

@thecriticsdarling Ah yeah, in that case, it’s on her. I think I remember you writing about some of this. In this case, you’ve reached out and she chose not to do her part. It’s a shame and her loss not to have you and your amazing kids in her life. Who knows what the hell her issue is, but it sure is not your fault, and you can’t help her if she doesn’t tell you, and shuts you out. I lost a close friend a few years ago, or what I thought was a close friend, because I bent over backwards for her, and one time when I couldn’t be there for her, she attacked me. It was such a difficult thing to get over, worse than a relationship break up. Because she played the victim a lot, there was some gaslighting that took place, and it was hard for me to come to terms with moving on without some guilt. Brian just kept telling me: “Bottom line is: did you deserve what she did to you?” And the answer was “no.” That’s what helped me, even though I still struggle with weird feelings about it, years later. I just hate having this unresolved thing. Karma works quickly in my life, and I also believe in spiritual life, and possibly other lives, and I don’t wanna have to resolve some shit later if it can be done right now. But it’s not up to me. She hurt me badly, and she never apologized, but instead, made me the bad guy. Anyway, it’s one of those situations I wish would get resolved, but it’s not really on me. I think the same applies here, with your sister. So we just have to learn to let go, and I guess letters and poetry help the process, right? 🙂