Meet Me in Montauk

Alex came to me in my dreams again last night.

We were at a restaurant, our restaurant. The one we ate so many breakfasts at. The one I have taken every subsequent lover after him to eat brunch at, trying to reclaim something that I know I will ultimately always associate with him…So much of our city is marked with his thumbprint. The waitress brought us our meals & I kept trying to tell him something important, something I needed to say. He was arguing with me, that old bulldog behavior I loved and hated about him so much. Even as he quarreled with me, all I could think about was how much I loved him, how much I needed him to know. My mission, my aim.  I kept trying to cut through the static of his debate. “Alex, it’s important. What I have to tell you, I need to say it. Please just let me say what I need to say.” He wouldn’t let me, his Brooklyn fire consuming the conversation, leaving me char….Finally, he just…left the restaurant. Words spoiling in my mouth, left unsaid. I sat holding the check without even the money to pay for it.

I wish I had at least said goodbye to him, the last time I ever walked out his door.

Meet me in Montauk, Alex. Meet me in Montauk.

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July 22, 2021


July 22, 2021

I had a dream about Baron last night. We were moving into a house together, and he was at the old place, helping me pack up.

I know it is a metaphor for moving on from this current relationship, but still taking Baron with me, like baggage I can’t force myself to get rid of. I hate this.

August 9, 2021

🙁 And then you go out of town (your other entry), and still find a place marked by him.

Oh wow, I still have to watch this movie! It’s been on my list forever.

There is this one ex I had a story with that I can’t ever seem to truly heal from (the story that made me freeze on writing my entries on past relationships – there’s too much guilt on my end to be brave enough to publish it). Brian is the closest thing I’ve ever come to reaching this healing. I feel really lucky to be with Brian, but I still have random dreams about this ex where we have complex conversations, and where I wake up shocked that the whole thing didn’t actually happen, because they feel that real.