Mud

I keep having the same nightmare the past few nights.

It’s like I’m dropped into the middle of it. I suddenly find myself in a meadow, unsure of how I came to be there. The sky above is a carousel of baby blues & pinks & peaches, the pallette of early fall morning in the country. I look around…wild apple trees dotting the treeline…their thorny hostile branches heavy laden with fruit. In this field, goldenrod & Indian paintbrush & timothy are still standing tall, most of the other flowers having given up at the end of summer…a pre-emptive strike before the cold comes. Frost is coming soon, I can feel the chill of it deep in my bones, but nearby, a spiderweb is adorned with diamonds of dew. There are no houses in sight, just rolling hills & a few fence posts hinting at the past purpose of the field. At the sight of the landscape, I feel some blip of recognition deep within…but can’t put my finger on it. I am sitting on this old, scratchy wool blanket my dad used to cover the seat of his 1943 Ford truck, when he drove us around the farm and out in the fields. I realize someone is next to me. MC. He is holding my hand and I smile when I see his handsome face.

“How’d we get here?”
“You’re asking me?! You drove us here,” he says laughing.
“I’m sorry…I…don’t remember.”
He nods, “I know. It’s ok, kitten. That brain of yours is a million places at once—this place just ain’t one of them today.”

He holds my head on his chest. We just sit there, holding onto each other. Usually, this quiets me…but something feels off. I know where we are, but I don’t. It’s beautiful, but there’s an unnatural pall of quiet over the meadow.

“Where are the birds?”
“The what?”
“The birds. The deer. You know, wildlife. Nothing is…in motion here.”

MC shrugs, “I don’t know. You’re so tense, little one. Let me take your mind off of it all.” He begins to kiss me and gently pushes me down on the blanket. As we kiss, I begin to relax a little bit in his hold….enjoying the feeling of being a love letter in the envelope of his strong arms. I am so immersed in kissing him, in the safety of his arms, that I don’t hear the approach.

Hands on my ankles. Brutal tug. Clasp broken.

The fuck.

I feel my hands clutch at the blanket but I’m already off of it. I didn’t even have time to make a noise. I manage to roll over and I see my uncle. He’s grinning, pleased with himself that he’s surprised me. I’m paralyzed. I can’t even feel my limbs to make them move. He bends down & whispers, “Spent a long time waiting to get my hands on you. Guess I’ll just have to make up for lost time.” Then he starts to pull me along the ground. My finger rake the soil that I now recognize as his…his land…his pasture. I claw at the ground trying to find something to hold onto, as he is dragging me away, presumably to his trailer, but I can’t grip anything. My fingers just hoe the land. Finally, I let go & hold my hand out to MC and start screaming for him. He is trying to get to me, but every time he nearly touches my hand, I get pulled away. I am sobbing, “please, please, MC, you can’t let him take me away again. You don’t know what he’ll do to me.”

MC is yelling for me to hold on, that he’s trying to get to me. My uncle turns around and says, “if you come any closer, I’ll blow both your fucking heads off. I’m sure she’s told you I have a gun.” MC freezes, slumps, and then stands down. His hands raise up in the air apologetically.

I know my uncle is going to kill me anyway. He meant to do it years ago.

We finally get to his trailer and he smiles, “You remember this place, don’t you? Just like old times.” He makes me stand up and walk inside the trailer. Just like when I was 5. He shuts the door behind us. I start screaming.

My dog woke me up this morning…jumping on me, somehow managing to find my ear and biting it to wake me, in the midst of my terrified flailing, arms like windmills. As I’m petting her head, trying to reassure both of us I’m ok, I catch sight of my nails.

Mud is caked under my nails.

Then I look over and see the door is unlocked.

I don’t know where I was or what I did in the midst of my night terror—but it feels like I was digging my own grave. Which means that all that’s left to do is climb in down in it.

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October 18, 2020

WTF lady? Do you sleep walk often? I don’t know your story of course but please tell me this dream is a result of a past trauma and not something you are currently going through. Of course, some ghosts stay with us, don’t they?

Dig all the graves you need to if its cathartic to you but don’t you dare climb into any of them. Dig graves for your traumas. Dig them deep so they don’t resurface.

I have a box. Ive had it since I was a girl. A mental box where I lock all of it away and I forget. Sometimes they sneak back out, but its better than having all of it janking up my headspace all the time.

I hope you are okay. Be okay.

October 18, 2020

@acaricature

I occasionally do things in my sleep due to night terrors (I.e. wake up on the floor of places I did not go to sleep….get undressed…scratch myself, etc.) or do things I’m unaware of because I dissociate badly at times. I survived a great uncle who sexually assaulted me & shared me with a friend for a couple years as a child…he also terrorized me by stalking me, torturing and killing animals in front of me, shooting at me, threatening my family, poisoning our well water, breaking in our house and trying to hit my siblings and me with a car. I have done all sorts of therapy to be a functioning adult after that kind of mindfuckery….and mostly, it works. I struggled and went to some dark places for many years but I have tried to pick myself up since having kids & mostly I manage. I work a stressful job I love. Raise my 2 fucking amazeball kids. Have the best people in my life as friends, who love me unconditionally. I have a wonderful man I’m seeing. There are aspects of my life that obviously are challenging and the night terrors/dissociation rank up there in that regard bc I have no control over them. When these things happen, they really kind of set me back a little…hard as I try not to…but it’s deeply unnerving.

Your comment made me think of one of my favorite songs by my favorite band, The Mountain Goats. It’s called Outer Scorpion Squadron. (“If you really want to conjure up a ghost/cultivate a space for the things that hurt you most.”) If you haven’t heard it, it’s fucking beautiful…and you’re welcome. Just kidding.

Thank you for your kind, compassionate note. Looking forward to getting to know you more.

October 18, 2020

Oh gods! I hope you’re okay. My partner woke me up last night because I was doing things in my sleep again. Including talking and thrashing around.

But you don’t need to climb in the grave. It’s okay. It’s the past trying to find a way to peace.

 

October 18, 2020

@thecharmquark thank you so much for your kind note. A little compassion goes such a long way…..I’m trying to be ok…just tired. This year has taxed and pushed me in a lot of ways (just like everyone else!)…when this stuff pops back up again, it just feels harder to deal with it.

October 18, 2020

@thecriticsdarling It’s exhausting, isn’t it? It’s tiring dealing with the regular level private difficulties, but then there’s the whole of the rest of the world falling apart as well. Lots of rest, cold water or hot tea, and I hope you’re able to catch a break in there somewhere.

kat
October 18, 2020

wow! that is freaky scary!!!!!!!

October 18, 2020

@kaliko I would be lying if I said I was not freaked.

October 18, 2020

Ugh. I think that the worst nightmares might be those that start out like pleasant dreams — only to rapidly descend into horror. That’s awful that your uncle just comes creeping in like he’s farmer Freddy Krueger. Yet while MC may be a gentle, lovable giant, I think that, in an actual situation of danger, he would defend you like a powerful force of nature.

I know you have a history of your dreams manifesting into movements (sleepwalking, scratching, etc.), but I’m disturbed by this going in and out of the house business. Perhaps you should start securing the door in a way that would be difficult to undue in a semi-unconscious state.

On sweeter matters, I wanted to note (in regard to your previous entry) that I, too, have been opening my mouth wider for cider lately. I believe I’m on my third half-gallon jug of the season! I’ve also enjoyed some hard cider, as well as soft (?) cider with a bit of hard added (a dash of rum goes wonderfully with cider!). Furthermore, I like to drink it cold for breakfast and/or dinner yet hot if I’m having some later in the evening.

P.S. I’ve written a big new entry — and now just need to get busy posting it (I always try to carefully edit my pieces before officially publishing, and that will take some time with this lengthy account I have).

October 19, 2020

@drbajahi

I think the dream might be more about the fact that I let my past steal me away from good things, like MC. I dunno.

I put furniture in front of the door last night to prevent exit. I think it worked.

I did go out in the yard to look around yesterday and yeah, looks like I had been digging out there. My legs are all bruised. A nail broke off. I need that to not happen again.

Yay, fellow apple cider lover. Apple Ciderkicks unite!

October 18, 2020

What a terrifying nightmare! So I heard that some sexual abuse/abuse victims have nightmares, flashbacks, etc, while others completely erase what happened, as if it didn’t. I fall more into the second category, where I only remember it when I see something affecting my life that is clearly tied to it, but it’s all in a very “painfully numb” way. When reading this, what first came to mind was that you an MJ are probably souls who interact outside of this life/reality/planet or whatever, like soulmates.

Then, the dark, dark energy that is your uncle pops in… I have some beliefs in spiritism, and I wonder if he’s atoning for the terrible damage he’s done here, or if he’s this lost, dark spirit, who, whenever he finds an opening, wants to haunt and torment you. My beliefs on this kind of stuff are kind of back and forth and open. I do believe there’s a way to protect yourself from this kind of thing, but maybe you’d need to seek some sort of professional to figure that out, because all I have are opinions from limited research haha.

Or maybe this is just your subconscious recreating things, creating new nightmares, due to the still living attachment of those experiences inside you? That would be a different kind of professional. You told me you found the right person to work with, which is so hard, and I’m so glad! I would bring in this nightmare to them, as they’re obviously significant.

It’s so unfair that a victim of something horrid like that will carry it on for the rest of their lives. So unfair, and I hope you find a way to cut off his claim to your soul. GO AWAY, DEMON!

October 19, 2020

@free_spirit_gal

I always love the outlook you share on things. It always gives me new perspectives to consider. Thank you for being such a light, girl.

There’s definitely something special afoot with MC. We often will be texting at night and send the same text or joke to each other at the same time. We just….fit…perfectly.

I have tried really hard to put the bullshit with my uncle behind me. In real life, you’d hardly know there was anything like that in my past-unless I told you.

I’m pretty sure my uncle never felt sorry for what he did… I’m not sure why he is still so present other than I continue to let him be….but I don’t feel like I’m consciously making the choice to do that, so I don’t know how to fix it.

Thank you as always for your thoughts and kindness. I hope things are getting better for you all the time.

October 19, 2020

@thecriticsdarling  You always make me feel good with your comments about my comments… Lol… So thanks!

I 100% relate. When I say there’s still the attachment, it’s because that’s true for any victim, and not really something we are “choosing.” How do you let go of something like that? And then I see people who say it doesn’t affect them and they’re over it, but I see that they’re ignoring that it actually IS affecting them (my sister is an example). So when I mention the attachment, I don’t think it’s a thing we can “just choose to let go;” I think it’s attached to our subconscious, and that it would take a lot of work with a professional to clear it out. I often wonder if there actually is full healing from that kind of experience – I wonder about that for myself, where I’ll feel like I’m in a good place and healed, then I’ll randomly see it affecting me again. I wish I had the answers, because I would apply them to my own life, as well.

Brian and I often make the same joke, or do something super similar, then we’re like, “We’re the same person!” Or we say, “We need friends,” and we laugh. 🙂

October 19, 2020

Sleep walking is so scary, not knowing where you’ve been or what you’ve done. I’ve done it a few times but have never gone far. My dad has had some pretty intense experiences. He left the house a few times when I was a kid, but I never had the nerve to follow.

October 22, 2020

Wow, I, uh…I’ve got nothing that hasn’t already been said here prior.

You’ve got a good doggie.  Most might just ignore or run off going WTF…yours knows to nip to get you out of it.

October 22, 2020

@tigerhawk Aww, thanks. She’s just a puppy, but she is very protective of her family…. my son broke his arm last month and she wouldn’t leave his side. I like my dog more than most humans.

October 25, 2020

@thecriticsdarling – Yeah, there are times where humans don’t seem to deserve the doggos simply because they’re largely awesome.  Last one I had, she was still literally running circles around me when she passed 15 years old…always called her my pup.