Sanitary as a Napkin Redux

This entry is kind of a cheat. I have been trying to remember years where I was happy around Christmas…I was thinking about how Christmas was always good when I was away from my family, with my friends…and remembered this entry I am re-posting. To give context: this was written and posted on OD back in 2004. I was a senior at college at this time and had several friends that I loved more than I have words to express. It was also the first Christmas post-suicide attempt where I was just grateful to be alive. I called it my Bonus Round.

November 2004-Sanitary as a Napkin

Chels and I, good samaritans that we are, went dumpster diving last night to rescue a stray couch. The way people around here mistreat their couches is absolutely repulsive.  I mean, abandoning one in a dumpster? Really. How cruel can you get? No doubt someone bought our couch when it was little, and a cute little loveseat, not thinking that hello, they grow up to be couches. Or maybe someone’s kids begged for one but we’re not really ready for such responsibility. Chels and I were on a mission to save this couch…so we dragged it up the stairs, down the narrow walkway to our apt…all by ourselves…only to see the leg was broken. Undeterred, we decided to give this couch a new lease on life. We tried to first reattach the broken leg. This was a rather difficult task, requiring two people strangely enough. Then we got the idea to take the leg off and give it a prosthesis. We tried substituting various items for it’s legs–old school books, a can of Goya kidney beans, then 2 cans of Goya Kidney beans…I must admit, the optimism over being able to rescue this couch was waning like the sex drive of a post-menopausal woman, yet we tried to be positive–I finally had found a use for my leadership development book…if only “Who Moved My Cheese?” had been thicker, perhaps I could’ve found a use for that as well…

The night wears on….

It is now 12:23…we’re beginning to feel like a couch was too big of a commitment for 2 people who had been living together for only a semester…I’m trying to hold my tongue as I watch Chels struggle with the concept of “Lefty loosey, Righty tighty.” She is dealing with my emotional unavailability, as I am now doing dishes and leaving her to take care of the couch alone. I look at secretaries from the steno-pool, she takes care of our couch. We’re drifting. I know it.

Finally, frustrated, I leave Chels to her precious couch while I sleep. I awake to find a multitude of shit stuffed under the couch, presumably to hold it up. I don’t know. I’m too scared to sit on it.

I can say that Chelsea and I were not being vain when we picked this couch out. It was not about image. Fortunately, this was not about picking fashion over function….quite frankly, cuz it’s ugly as sin. We have a sheet over it at the moment, all it needs is a toe tag. Unfortunately it’s not function over fashion either. Instead…it’s couch over cans of Goya kidney beans and a book on Famous Composers.

Oh well. I had a great time earlier in the night at least, before trying to domesticize the interior decorating wastefield that is my apt. I went over to Khaki’s (see also: Cathy, Syn. with Cathalinka and the English Major.) for Christmas Spectacular, whereupon I felt it necessary to put Roxy D. Stamp of Dysfunction all over this previously sacred holiday. First off, I made a hand puppet out of a paper bag that I found on the table….and named it Cuntrag the Christmas Puppet. Then I had that posable ribbon stuff and I made Peter the Christmas Dick. I find if you put Xmas anywhere near a dirty word, it is a surefire way to make me laugh. I may even have GUFFAWED. 🙂

Cathy had glued down the Nativity Scene before I got there. Most unsatisfactory. But I was not swayed form my path of the sacrilege. Her housemate, Jenn, had a stuffed menorah character. He went right in the manger to chill with the Christs. Townhouse c-13, where Jews and Catholics live in peace.

Will brought Sophia. He also brought his pet mouse in this green plastic ball which practically BEGGED us to spin it madly and was too tempting for some us to ignore. Cath was less than pleased with this mouse in her kitchen, spinning around like disco ball on the floor. I can’t understand why. An animal pooping where you eat? That’s as sanitary as a napkin. Ha. Stacey one-upped Will and brought Rach, Adam, and D.O.G, her cute old dog who has lots of calcium deposits. (For some reason, that was a topic that was brought up a lot thru-out the night…???)

We made snowflakes…some of us mastering this task better than others. Stacey made a Picasso Snowflake. What’s a Picasso snowflake, you ask? It’s a term that Stacey made up to make it sound like her snowflakes were fugly and discombobulated on PURPOSE.

We decorated Cath’s tree…well, her demi-tree. It’s missing it’s top…but it looked beautiful just the same. We hung lights and Christmas paraphanalia everywhere. It was like the Spirit of Christmas came into her house and shot his wad all over her walls in the form of garland and lights. Then we drew names for Secret Santa which remained secret for oh, about 5 min. Tops.

Oh and don’t worry, Bing Crosby was on hand to ring in the Christmas season with us.
*While playing a cd from her so-big-it’s-scary collection of Christmas music:
Cathy: Guess who this is.
Me: Who?
Cathy: You don’t know?
Me: As I thought you would’ve evidenced by my blank stare and asking of “Who?” in place of giving a name, no.

So yeah…here comes the wind down…

Couch abuse=bad
Sacrilegious Christmas=good

Be responsible….
Get your couches fixed!

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December 11, 2019

I enjoyed reading this. I love how you described things. Easy to see your personality shining through.