I’m intrigued about drugs. Openly. I would like to explore what it’s like to do shrooms and the experience of it all. I struggle daily mentally with untreated ADHD and have a whole slew of medication that… Kind of helps? I think? It has been awhile so to be honest, whatever *this* is, is my normal – and has been for awhile now… I just know that I could be happier, I could be… more understood. Instead, I’m all over the place, trying to start a YouTube channel about just things I’m openly watching… Being an isolated person, I don’t talk to many people – I work and care for my mom, I do the same route every single day (give or take a few). I go by routine, to some extent. I could be better with routine, I leave dishes for days and the bed unmade at times – or laundry that’s clean but in the restroom (where my washer and dryer are) way too long. Bleh.

I am extremely nervous when it comes to life, meeting new people, having conversations – and this is proven by the internship I partook in, in 2019. I actively avoid people, conversations (sometimes), and meeting new people is usually not of my choice – but rather – my husbands. He apparently likes taking me places lol.

For my MA in Human Services internship, I worked with a NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) projects manager in setting up a support group at a senior citizen housing complex. I struggled so damn hard just driving to the building and getting out of my car. I have no idea how I made it up the stairs, or into the elevator… When people were surrounded around a table – I wanted to curl into a ball and hide… So I’d excuse myself to the restroom… No one understands this kind of… fear, I guess? It’s way more than just anxiety. When it comes to other people and being terrified of saying something wrong… whatever that may be… to not knowing how to start a conversation.

I’m now thinking about how many people I’ll probably annoy when it comes to all of the ellipsis. 🙃 -Sigh- I hope I can figure my shit out. I’m 32, dammit. I know I shouldn’t feel like I need to be at a certain place in my life but dammit, I do… I just do. 😥 I’m just babbling… Things were so good earlier. What happened?

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July 1, 2021

Hello Tiffah. There is so much I want to say to you but I don’t even know where to begin….I have kinda been where you are and I often feel exactly the same way as you feel in your post…well besides the drugs thing! I have an addictive personality so I just stay away from as many things that I know are bad for me…okay that is bullshit…I am over weight because I cannot stay away from sugar and stay on the healthy path…so I stay away from drugs because I know they are bad and I guess I would rather waste my money on sugar and junk as supposed to drugs which could kill me…I suppose being overweight could also kill me…okay moving on…if you read my diary you will kinda get why I am so messed up and think I can council you…okay I am not going to council you but I will just give you some advice…after all that is what we all want, right? Or at least what I want.

Okay about your ADHD, don’t keep going on without it being treated. Speak to someone and get whatever help you need. I like to think I can do it all and manage and so I have often found myself at the mercy of the devil and serious depression…so please get the help that you need and work on being the best version of yourself.

After my accident many years ago and still today I am not a fan of socialising, so I kinda feel bad telling you to get out and enjoy life when I fail to do that myself. But when I do get out and spend time with friends and family I am really happy, so I think you should too. I used to think because of the limited things I could do because of my accident and head injury and because I was/am fat I would just not mingle well with other people but I was wrong. So you are wrong too…the right people will not find you annoying and will actually enjoy what you bring to their lives.

When you said “….things were so good earlier. What happened?” – know nothing happened. Life happened and it is normal to have shit days and times….well at least I think it is normal. But it is always best to smile and be happy, so do whatever you can to be happy! you are 32, you are still very young and have a lot more to live through, cry and laugh about!!


July 12, 2021

There has been studies that show micro dosing shrooms or LSD has helped with depression server anxiety not sure about the ADHD tho. I think the more studies should be done and maybe one day they will make it legal to micro dose psychedelics as long its supervised by health professionals if it can help people I am all for it.