I believe.

Status Report

Wearing: Brown rayon and my hoodie

Feeling: Unsure.

WinAmp is playing: Shittowne – Live

Last ate: Some stuff my mom made. Oh, and a slice of pizza from Villa Pizza. Hey, I got hungry and I was in the mall.

Entry Start Time: 9:18 PM

Based on Esther’s “Senses”.

I think maybe my blind optimism has calmed down. Though. It wasn’t blind. It wasn’t, it isn’t, and I refuse to believe that I’m not aware of what I’m doing. We can all relate to the fact that we’re different people when we want someone. I picture myself looking back at this and going, “Wow, you DID all that?” Not in regret, just awe that I can go out and do something without fear. Being without fear that maybe this won’t work out. Most relationships don’t. But I owe it to her and to me to follow this through to it’s logical conclusion. Hopefully, it will be death.

(That’s in the sense that we’ll get married and the relationship will end when one of us dies.)

It’s like everything else that could be going on in my life has been turned down to a dull roar, aside from getting a job. Employment is just something I need to do. Aside from the essentials (eating, sleeping, peeing, showering, floating around OD), I spend most of my time thinking about her, even if I’m not online. I haven’t fallen into the trap of being online ALL THE TIME just to talk to her. That would just end up destroying me. I’ve been through these things before, one way or another. Wow. I have.. experience. Maybe that’s why I’m so calm. I know what I’m doing, even when I don’t know I know what I’m doing. To be without fear is to accept that you can’t control the future.

She’s unsure whether we’ll work. I suppose her fears have worried me a little. But, I remain confident. Titles don’t mean shit. In fact, maybe I should insist she doesn’t think of herself as my girlfriend. Every time I dub a girl my girlfriend, the relationship goes to shit. Of course, that’s just superstitous. It doesn’t matter. “Let it happen,” she says to me. Letting it happen also means doing what we want without fear that we’ll fuck up and suddenly hate each other. Whether or not she’s my girlfriend by the end of the summer, I know I’m going spend most of this summer giving her all the attention I can give her. If anything, as with all things, I’ll learn something. Who knows what it’ll be this time.

I learned from my first crush experience that I should always express my feelings. Because if you don’t speak up, the moment may pass you by. I learned from Angel, the first time, that doing physical stuff leaves you more hurt when it’s over. And that it’s important to be able to talk to your partner. I learned from Laura that a relationship should not be based on flirting. I learned from Shannon that I should not bother with someone when she treats me like shit and simultaniously pines for someone else. I learned from Rachael, my first “online girlfriend” that it takes two people to make a relationship work. And that writing poetry won’t make a girl pay more attention to you. I learned from Angel, the second time, that LDR are a bitch. And.. that she’s human, strange as it may seem. I needed her to fuck with me a second time to get it out of my system. I learned from Skunkie that I need someone on my level, someone that won’t be afraid to talk to me if she’s afraid the relationship won’t work, someone who can match my sex drive, someone…

Hairbrush feels like the one I’ve been waiting for. When I was in my arms, it felt right. Time. We need time. It is so early in our relationship, our friendship, our time together on this earth.

Now I see why Kivudet told me that it’s good to get out there and fuck up. Or something like that.