Republican Offended, Sues Everybody.

(FORMER CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA) A local man, a registered Republican, was offended yesterday when he discovered illicit spam in his email inbox. This Republican was offended so badly that he decided to sue everybody in the world for offending him. Yes. Everybody. He even went so far as to sue the old lady next door. The Republican went on the record saying about his neighbor, “She has mammaries and a sexual orifice. In my book, she’s as dirty as everybody else.”

Lawyer of the Republican described the email as, “A tasteless display of consensual HOTGAYSEX, animal admiration, and fecal worship. Oh, and it had some really hot girls showing their boobies. Oh man, what was that website’s name…” The short list of people the Republicans includes all cigarette companties, for creating too phallic of a product. Lotion companies, for endorsing self-pleasure. BIGGAYDAN, for spreading his gayness around the world. Witches, for not being good Christians. The NBA and NFL, for having too many black people. Television companies, for advocating bad language, violence, and sex. Ozzy Osbourne, for too many things to count. George W. Bush, for not killing enough Arabs. Mexico, for those kids that’ll walk up to you on the street and try to sell you gum. France, for being France. Timmy, for talking frankly about sex, opposing the ruling class, shoving things up his bum, having long hair, advocation the abolition of infantile circumcision, not having a personal relationship with Jesus H. Christ, indulging in self-pleasure once a day, advocating the actual use of our brains, not driving an SUV, shaving his balls, and many other shameful acts of self-assertion.

A Supreme Court Justice and fellow Republican released a statement, “This Republican is butt-fucking nuts. It is not the Federal government’s job to prevent people from being offended. So long as you don’t hurt anybody, you can do pretty much anything you want. Except for sodomy, in some states.”