I occasionally handwrite in various notebooks, but thought about an electronic journaling. Lo and behold… Google suggested opendiary. How could I have forgotten something I used for YEARS? Now, nearly two decades later, I reclaimed my old opendiary. I doubt I’ll go back and read old entries… I’m not sure if I want to feel that much embarrassment at this time.
How does one even begin to daily journal? I’m not sure I want to invest the time. Maybe I’ll just start from scratch.
Today was exam 5 in my first semester of my ADN program. At this point I’m pretty confident in my ability to pass through the program and pass the NCLEX, but I feel zero motivation or enthusiasm for it. My depression is killing every parcel of energy inside of me. I’m going through the motions of life, and I suppose I’m making it, but it doesn’t much feel like I’m actually there doing it. I feel mostly sad for my children. I know I’m parenting. I’m there? I help with homework. We have family dinners at night. I tell them to shower and brush their teeth and go to bed. We have conversations. However, when I wake up the next morning, it’s really all a blur, and I’m ashamed. They deserve a better mother. My boyfriend deserves a better partner. Everyone deserves a better…version of me, instead of this halfway sentient robotic creature abiding by social norms and fitting social roles. But that’s me for now, I suppose.
Perhaps someday I’ll learn how to become a real human being again…