Trying to daily journal again… and feel real.
I occasionally handwrite in various notebooks, but thought about an electronic journaling. Lo and behold… Google suggested opendiary. How could I have forgotten something I used for YEARS? Now, nearly two decades later, I reclaimed my old opendiary. I doubt I’ll go back and read old entries… I’m not sure if I want to feel that much embarrassment at this time.
How does one even begin to daily journal? I’m not sure I want to invest the time. Maybe I’ll just start from scratch.
Today was exam 5 in my first semester of my ADN program. At this point I’m pretty confident in my ability to pass through the program and pass the NCLEX, but I feel zero motivation or enthusiasm for it. My depression is killing every parcel of energy inside of me. I’m going through the motions of life, and I suppose I’m making it, but it doesn’t much feel like I’m actually there doing it. I feel mostly sad for my children. I know I’m parenting. I’m there? I help with homework. We have family dinners at night. I tell them to shower and brush their teeth and go to bed. We have conversations. However, when I wake up the next morning, it’s really all a blur, and I’m ashamed. They deserve a better mother. My boyfriend deserves a better partner. Everyone deserves a better…version of me, instead of this halfway sentient robotic creature abiding by social norms and fitting social roles. But that’s me for now, I suppose.
Perhaps someday I’ll learn how to become a real human being again…
First off, welcome back to OD. Depression is extremely hard to work through, especially when you have a lot of responsibilities. Keep fighting though it. I also would say that depression is a liar. So just because your mind is saying you should be doing more or be doing a better job, doesn’t mean you’re actually doing a bad job. Depression wants you to feel that way.
@heffay Thank you. I know rationally what depression does, but some days my brain just doesn’t want to listen to logic =p
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Welcome back to the OD, and just remember, you are not the only one and we can conquer this together. I have bipolar, anxiety, and PTSD, but my life has turned around. In the past three years, I’ve earned a BA in English, an MBA, and pursuing a Doctorate of Management for Organizational Leadership. I hope you read some of my material and poetry.
Quite going through the motions and make a change. Do something completely random or follow a new schedule. If you keep repeating the same things, the results will be the same, but if you change what you do, then you might get a different result.
At your school, have you gone to the proper place to make your disability known so that you may get extra time or other things that the school may offer for depression or any other disorder?
@raphaeltiriel Thanks for the suggestions. Also, congratulations on all that you have accomplished and in SUCH a short amount of time!! I don’t think my school really has any outlets for mental health, but I’ve thought about it. I look forward to checking out your writings.
@tokyorose
Well, I hope they do cause it will help make life a little easier. Well, yeah, maybe a short cause it depends on how you think about it. I’ve been going to school since I was 18, dropped out twice cause of my disabilities and other tragedies that felt like surviving a cataclysm. I’m 36, so it took me a little time to put myself together. I just don’t ever surrender 😉
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You can always go back to read them for memory’s sake… and make the “embarrassing” ones private 😉
Have you considered therapy? Everyone has highs and lows in life – and when you’re overwhelmed by hits on all fronts (nursing school, kids, partner, etc), your only defense mechanism might be to shut down in some way; maybe that’s what has you feeling like this? Anyway, therapy would help some.
And welcome back!
@thenerve I don’t have insurance, but I have considered therapy. I just haven’t found it financially feasible at the time. Thankfully I work part time for a physician who prescribes my antidepressant, so I’ve got that going for me =p
Thanks for suggestion, though!
@tokyorose – Are you in the US? If yes, you should be able to apply for Medicare/Medicaid… but YES, definitely working for a physician does help. You’ll be fine, though 😉
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Hey, you’re not alone there, mama. I frequently express similar thoughts to my friends….that I’m depressed and overwhelmed to the point that I feel like I’m a robot…. Motherhood breeds this feeling for me on the best of days bc being a parent can be very repetitive and there’s so much minutiae to get taken care of on a daily basis. I think the fact that you’re expressing these feelings openly on here is prob a good thing…bc as mothers we put so much pressure on ourselves and there’s guilt involved when we feel we’re failing. (Even if we are not!…which, trust me, you’re not. The fact you’re concerned about how you’re doing us proof of that.)
Welcome back. Hang in there
@thecriticsdarling Thanks for the kind words! I agree that motherhood can be a tough thing at times. Moms are really expected to be kind of superhero do-it-alls in some ways. I don’t think some people understand the sacrifices and expectations that mothers are just *supposed* to do without a thought.
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