2014

well, its a new year. 2013 is the past. the hardest part of life for me is leaving the past in the past. especially when my present doesn’t look good either. i mean, things could always be worse. so i should "count my blessings", but its just not that simple for me. i’ve made so many decisions and mistakes in my life. i’m practically scared to make any more in fear that i might make things worse.
i don’t do resolutions, so i have decided though that at some point i will begin to do things for me and my happiness. thats something i’ve never done in my life. so i hope that i will be able to do it this year. 

a quick recap of 2013. i brought in the year in Austin, TX on 6th street drinking in a few bars. i lost my apt. i finally got my license. i moved back to TN and am back in school for the time being. 

the only positives from 2013 are my new niece. the return of a few people i truly missed. and i’m back in school, for the time being. 

some revelations from 2013. even though i try not to lie in word (which i do a pretty good job at), I’ve realized i do lie in other areas. no one knows me, so i am a lie. no one knows my thoughts or feelings. i hide from even myself. life, love, and the pursuit of happiness scare me. i don’t want to make any more decisions for fear of making things worse. I AM NOT WHO I AM. life has jaded me so much the real me is buried alive. 

so, as of right now i am awaiting to see if i will be a student in 2014. if not then the adventure of what to do will begin. i’ve decided to give this blogging another try. my problem in the past was i felt like no one read or cared. so i would get frustrated and stop. this time I’m going to write for me and peace of mind and hope that keeps me motivated. I’ve motivation to do anything. so maybe i can get some of tat back. 

man, as i look back over my life. i have changed so much. i say this is often, but its true. I HAVE NO FIGHT LEFT. i have fought so much hard and so much for others that i have nothing left to fight for myself. i’m hoping to find something in 2014, cuz idk how much longer i can live like this and not take my life. so…. here’s to 2014, hope its a good year