Just when you think you know.

So I got a doctor’s office call the other day and it’s his nurse telling me that I basically allergic to most of the things I eat on a daily basis. There are so many reasons this ticks me off, including doctors who for the last 30 years told me just to take Sudafed or that was no reason to test me for allergies because there was nothing that could be done or family members who rolled their eyes when I said things made me feel bad or people who told me I was just depressed when I said my body ached because fibromyalgia is not a real thing and being finicky about food is just a personality flaw. It also really grinds on me that my mother probably very correctly complained that she was allergic to a great many things but because she also smoked like a chimney it was hard to know how much of that was true. Now finding out firsthand how much of it probably was true is a slippery slope because if I talk about what’s really going on with me I could very easily get written off as being just as nuts as Ma. There is one fundamental difference between me and my mother and I have to remind myself that on a regular basis, I have an internal toughness that she never possessed simply because a lot of the things that were wrong with her were aggravated by the fact that she would not actually address causal or aggravating factors number one being put those god damn cigarettes in her face and refusing to go to a doctor or get any kind of counseling that might’ve helped her deal with some of her issues instead of putting them off on her oldest daughter who had to take up the slack for her self-centered lack of awareness about how militant self-neglect affected those around her. Yeah I got some issues of my own.

Along with all this my father is out of money and now I have to take point on getting him plugged into Medicaid. Not a good time for me emotionally, I’ve lost a lot of sleep over it which is never a good thing for me. It makes it harder for me to do a lot of executive function type things that need to be done to get through the process. This is also derailed a lot of my efforts at writing cleaning exercise etc. not that I have done some really spectacular things in the last two or three weeks including get on and all the windowsills finished after we changed out a bunch of nasty aluminum windows for triple pane upgrades I’d love to discuss in another time. But the crummy feeling doesn’t allow me to fully enjoy a lot of these accomplishments.

So today Hubbin is off teaching and youngest son is  out in the world adulting and I’ve had the house to myself. I have book club tonight (yay) and I’m almost finished with the last windowsills (for my office) but I’ve lost a lot of valuable time in some kind of fugue I’ve allowed myself to dip in and out of because I need to go visit my father this afternoon. What I should’ve been doing is dictating my manuscripts into the word program I haven’t bought yet. Planning my trip to Wyoming. Cleaning my office. Eating lunch.(I’m good to go do that in a minute) and not letting my head get all fuzzy trying to think about that list of things.

When I found out that I’d had some kind of a head injury that had caused me problems of my life it was very unsettling for a long time that I wasn’t the person I thought I was and also that something so obvious had never been addressed. This feels like that again. I lived the last five or 10 years trying to put together a lot of stuff based on unrealities I was fed from an early age by my mother which pretty much affected my relationship with every person in my family because her their realities as well as mine. I’m always asking myself if I’ve gotten a fair shake in the eyes of others because of her cantankerous spin on a great many things. Then I’m asking myself why it even matters so they head injury thing kinda started that all over again and I think I just know where that all fits into my greater worldview when I find out that probably a quirk of my DNA makes me a lot more like her or the husk of me more like her then I’m entirely comfortable with. I suppose it should make me more understanding and empathetic concerning her situation and why she was like she was but emotional stuff doesn’t work like that. I think it can but it takes time and effort that you don’t always have in the heat of battle or the swing of things or the thick of thin things or the busy of business… And now lunch can’t just be hungry anything got a make decisions . Meh.