I cannot leave here, I cannot stay

I let myself cry now. And there really is no holding back. It’s not the full on cry, the cry that makes you a mess. It’s the kind of cry that you just get out of your system, and yet it’s enough to drag me into an emotional exhaustion. It’s the kind of cry that’s very normal considering circumstances, and yet I still hate doing this. I was supposed to be strong and I was supposed to just be able to handle this. I am handling it? I don’t know. These past few months have been one of the weirdest months of my life. It doesn’t feel normal anymore, and it feels like sometimes I am on autopilot. It feels like this shouldn’t be happening or it shouldn’t have happened. I really can’t explain it. All I know is that it’s been hard and its been trying. I get asked how I make it and seemingly so well after the accident my mom had back in May by my brother. I manage and I try to not think about it, but what you don’t see is I’m crying over a simple Facebook memory. And its not the memory itself. It’s the like. The person who liked it. The only one who did. My mom.

I miss her liking my Facebook posts. I miss her calling me and I miss her voice. There’s a voice mail on my phone from her and right now that means the world to me. I miss her texting me. The thing is while she is alive she simply can’t do those things anymore. She is unable to. When I cry like this it makes me feel as if I am not as invincible as I thought and that I’m actually quite vulnerable just like everyone else. Just when I think I’m doing okay I’m reminded that even the strongest can fall and cry. And right now the only solace I get tonight is a blanket and my bed. I am alone. All alone, and I don’t want to be. My love just headed out to Africa and after I cry and have my alone moments I need him for a bit to help even more.

I was afraid this would happen when he left. I need him right now in my life. I don’t want to be alone tonight and yet I am. And I know all of this is perfectly normal and that its part of the process and that has to happen, but I liked it better when I didn’t have this. When I didn’t break down over something trivial or the stupidest things. I get too sensitive right now and then it all comes out. 

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