Soundtrack of Memories past Pt1

The soundtrack of memories past – 5/18/2005
(One of the few entries saved from the Original OD before my deletion)

I find it odd how there are those songs that hold certain memories in your mind, both good and bad sometimes its a really stupid memory, other times its not. When you hear those songs you find yourself remembering those memories attached to them. You’ll smile, cry or whatever. I’ve decided to take upon the time to write upon some of those songs that hold memories for me. Maybe its just me, for I hold on to trivial things. This is how I am. But here are a few songs I have decided to share the memories they hold for me.

Korn-Got the Life
One of my favorite memories. Makes me think of my Ashley. If you have been reading then you know all about Ashley for my new readers,I love this girl. I love her quite possibly more than I should , but anyhow yes this song reminds me of when I really first started hanging out with her. We sat in her room, (me my brother and her) listening to the sounds of Korn. It was her that really got me into Korn. She had her walls this oddly yet interesting color of lime green..and spray painted things on it. When she had the black light on it would glow. It was pretty cool. Basically this song holds the first memories of my Ashley. I wish it were still those days, that was also the first time I really got to know her. Damn I miss her. I wish sometimes she knew how I felt.

Puffy Ami Yumi-Teen Titans
I love this song so yeah its one of my memory songs. I remember the first time I fell in love with Pufi Ami Yumi. I hated Teen Titans but I would watch it long enough to hear this song. I remember it was last summer in fact. Myself and my brother Andy, our cousin Justin, and the boyfriend all had gone to Astro world. Thats the six flags in Houston. I remember standing in line for one of the many rides. I had oddly this song stuck in my head for hours. Well I noticed all day that the tvs that were in the lines had cartoon network on..all day I was wanting to hear that song..finally I did. So this song holds all the fun times of that day. I got lucky to get up to the tv just in time to hear that song too.

Silverchair-Suicidal Dream
This is one of those songs that have nothing but bad memories behind it, yet its one of my favorite songs. This song was one of the songs that brought me solace. I would play this song on repeat..listening to the lyrics..letting it comfort me to the point I would grow numb. Surrounded by darkness and the glow of a blacklight. I would lie either in bed or in the floor..looking up to the ceiling not moving. I felt nothing. Tears rolled down my face. Not knowing or knowing if I would ever see the light. Darkness consumed my world. Every time I hear that song..Im able to see all that hurt.

Limahl-Never ending story
I love this movie. This song makes me remember the first time I saw the movie. I was about maybe six or seven maybe eight. I have no idea. I remember it though. We had gone over to a friends house and he had this massive big screen tv. All seven of us had found a seat in the living room and watched this movie. I fell in love with the Child-like Empress. I fell in love with this movie..and now that everytime I hear this song I am able to relive that day, and remember it as if it were yesterday. Those were the days when nothing mattered. It was so much fun, and well now I miss two of those friends. Kasey.. I havent seen him since high school. I heard he joined the military..that means he could have gone overseas. His sister Shelly, whom we called Shelly Belly..I heard she was pregnant. Derrick I do believe is in Korea..Ive not seen him since high school. I remember his mother and my mom thought we would end up together. His sister I saw a few months ago. She works with one of my brothers.

311- Love song
Reminds me of last spring..when the song had come out. I rememeber listening to it just shortly after my love came down for two weeks. I felt like everything in that song was true. I fell in love with The Cure’s version long ago..but to hear this one..was quite rare. I remember singing this song quite often thinking of him, thinking how well this song fit me, and just how true it was. He made me feel like I was whole again..all that good fluffy mushified things he made me feel when he was there in that two weeks I hadnt seen him in so long..those two weeks were like heaven..those two weeks were inifinite. This song holds that infinite happiness I felt then.

A rather big mistake summer. I was with loser boy at the time, and the place to then hang out was the pool hall, this song would play like thirty times over the course of the night. I remember every weekend going to hang out there playing pool or talking to people. I always hated the fact that loser boy would flirt and well the way he was..I often wondered why the bloody hell I was with him. I really hated the clothes he wore, the attitude the fact he mooched off me, but yet I didnt do a damn thing about it. I remember this one station had all kinds of trance/dance and rave music play, and ever weekend on the way there it would be on the radio. I also remember at this time my brother was a rather big raver and this song was one of the songs he raved to. I learned how to do it it a bit, but never really got into it. The pool hall was fun though, I did have alot of fun..we would stay out all night. I look back and regret that entire summer. I realy fucked up alot. I hate at loser boy and all the fucking things he did to me, to my family and I feel quite sorry for him, because he’s not changed one fucking bit.

Godsmack-Keep Away
Ozzfest 1999. This is the one song that clearly sticks out in my mind that summer. I had gone to Ozzfest with my aunt..and up until that day I didnt like them. But yet I wanted to see them. I can remember being blown away by this song.. and the guitar solo in this song..oh man a rush fell over me..I was floored. I loved it. It amazed me none the less, and it was the song that got me liking them. This song bring back all the bands and fun we had at Ozzfest 1999. It was also my first concert. Ozzy kicked ass. I saw Ozzy’s ass too, and its not a pretty sight.

Crawling-Linkin Park
One of those songs that remind me of when the cutting got real bad.When things started to go real bad between the boyfriend and I. I remember many nights crying to this song. Relating to the lyrics all to well. I felt so insecure. I felt like the entire world had crashed upon me. I remember hearing this song once looking into the mirror hearing the lyrics” Against my will I stand beside my own reflection its haunting how I cant seem to find myself again”. I felt like I had lost myself completely I had no idea who I was..tears rolled down my eyes. A razor blade I wanted to take against my arms..yet I didnt. The grandparents came over. I would have if they hadnt. This song was the song that made me feel as if someone understood. I felt everything the song explained. It was horrible. I remember many times cutting to this song late at night.

Linkin Park-In the end
I love this song its one of my favorite songs by this band..but the memories behind it. Things were bad with this song. I remember hearing this song..thinking how true it was. I felt like no matter how hard I tried my boyfriend didnt give a damn. He didnt care, he didnt give a fuck about me. I tried so hard and in the end nothing mattered just as the song said. Things were so bad between us then. Horrible.. I dont really want to remember or write about how bad it was..if you want to read that kind of thing go to the beginning of this diary.

Robert Miles-Children
A bittersweet yet favorite song. Reminds me of my dear Weldon. I remember going over to his house and he would have this cd going, we would sit and listen to it and talk. It also reminds me of that summer we met,wow back then I really was happy. I remember all the fun we had, the feeling I felt when I was with him. It was the greatest feeling in the world. I remember riding around in his truck. The way that truck drove, smelled, looked. I remember the way his house felt, the way he felt when he would hug me. I am getting teary eyed upon this. I really did care for him much more than I ever knew. All the good times we had are with this song. I love it, for it is both bittersweet and good to have.

Black Hole Sun-Soundgarden and Metallica-Enter Sandman, also Texas Flood by Stevie Ray Vaughn
The summer of bonfires, those indeed were good times. Of course my parents were still together, my weldon was still alive, and the summer nights were fun as hell. We would often ride four wheelers and listent to music..when I hear those songs I remember those times.. and those times alone are bittersweet as well. It seemed on those Friday nights there was never a dull moment. Those were really good times. The bonfire days were the days when life was good. I remember sitting outside all hours of the night and hearing the sounds of those songs and many others,and listening to my dad and cousin talk nothing more about cars. Weldon and I would leave at times and come back and chill..again this holds the Weldon memories. Tears well in my eyes. Why did my best friend have to be taken away from me? I mean I know everything happens for a reason..but what the hell is that reason. Was it to show me how fucking cruel life really is? Either way..those songs remind me of that great summer, and I miss those summer days.

South park Mexican- Mexican Radio
This song was big when I lived with my mom and brothers in the apartment complex. I remember hearing it like every night. It was one of the many songs that was often played. My brothers were into things they shouldnt have been. My mom was working her ass off to support us (and I respect her to this day for that) making sure things were met. Though no one took the time to pay me mind. I would often go ignored in this time. Not having the fun..sitting in my room alone. Then later it came to be that I won tickets to see him in concert.This was one of the songs that was played and I sang along with it. There was this really cute guy that was there..and he kept eyeing me..later on he danced with me when the concert was over..but Im not the best at dancing, plus at the time I was a bit shy at the time, and then there are things I cannot remember in this part. This was one of the times where things were missing from my life, memories I dont recollect and cant no matter how hard I try.

Silverchair-Ana’s song (open fire) Silverchair-Black Tangled Heart Silverchair-Emotion sickness
More bad times with these songs..yet they were my solace. I loved this cd, it was stolen from me. I remember many times being not very happy and crying to these songs at night. I remember the way my room was..decorated in christmas lights. I had this altar..(a desk with candles upon it) and upon the walls were the many silverchair pics I had found and pasted upon the wall. I remember cutting an awful lot then, in fact I really started cutting alot, and parts of my life here I cannot remember. I know we lived in the apartment complex and my love tried so hard to make me happy. I love him for that. No matter how hard he tried though I couldnt be happy. They were the songs that were often heard blaring in my cd player, I remember him and I sitting there on my bed and all I could do was cry in his arms and there he held me and let me cry.

Don Henley-Boys of Summer
Its not really a memory but it reminds me of my love. Hes got this black firebird and when I hear this song I always think of him, this is one of his favorite songs. I can imagine him with the t-tops off and the windows down driving on one of those lonely streets, this song blaring. He hasnt a care in the world. At this point he is as free as a butterfly. Just driving alone in that black loved car of his. Its one of those things even when we werent together this image would come to play in my mind. It always brought a smile to my face and I realized that no matter what that boy never left my heart.

Pink Floyd-Welcome to the Machine
This one holds more of an odd dream or slight nightmare I once had. Everytime I hear this song it reminds me all to well of that dream. In the dream the song is playing like its part of it. Im imagining the sound of kami kaze airplanes ready to kamikaze down..and then the next thing I know its really happening. They are doing that. Its become like some war scene, and I have to save my little brother. Turns out weve got to hide in blankets in a closet..for what reason I dont know. But the closest is the safest of places. The song when I wake up is playing, and its odd how the entire song was in the dream then I hear it from the beginning on the radio.

David Bowie-As the world falls down
Reminds me of the good old days when the group would have our d&d days, this was also the first time I had seen the Labyrinth, and I loved it. I remember all the fun we had when we would play d&d and I also remember Kristyn and Amber had made mead. It was rather good. Those were very fun nights. We’d all gather over at thier place and spend all freaking night roleplaying. We had some really interesting characters. The boyfriend once played this really tripped out annoying ass halfling that insisted getting on my arrogant characters last nerve, she hated him. Then Amber would play a pixie that my character oddly got along with. Kristyn I do believe was an elf.. I may have chosen to play a human. Michelle for some reason I cannot remember what she was, once she was a faery that was caught in a glass jar that would aid us at some point. Adam and Jarrod were often the DMs of the game..thought they played as well..come to write of this I miss those D&D days. Those were good fun nights indeed.

Three doors down-Here with out Be Like That-Jackyl-Lumberjack song,
These are just three songs that made me feel this feeling that in that moment in time I felt like nothing mattered. And how lucky I was in that moment in time to be there hearing those songs live..I saw both of those bands in concert. Those songs were the songs that I felt this feeling. It made me feel a rush of happiness that I havent ever felt before..this feeling was overwhelming and I felt tears in my eyes. I thought to myself about how lucky I was to be there, how at one point things like this would have seemed hopeless and I thought that if I had ended things when I wanted I wouldnt be feeling what I felt then. Quite often I would have tears fall. Here without you made me cry as well the song was true..I was without my hearts desire, my one and only Robby. The song Be like that did he said to me once the song reminded him of me..lots of good memories flashed before me as I sang along. In those times I felt infinite.

Those are just a few songs that really stand out in my mind, those songs are my favorites, the ones that I decided to share with you..even though some bad memories may be held and I see those memories..I look back and realize how far I’ve come from those I feel now. How I got to feel that infiniteness with some of those songs..realizing that at one point I really thought I wouldnt see what I see now. The light, the feeling of happiness. Those times I felt infinite. All of this at during my darkest days I thought I would never feel or see and here I am writing this entry..feeling this happiness that I wanted so very much.

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May 4, 2018

Love this idea for an entry…..made me think about what my own soundtrack would be.