Aftermath
Since the initial shock of the affair is over and I’m working on healing – its a harsh and hard reality seeing just what it has done to me mentally/emotionally.
•Triggers – it can be something as small a phone notification, sorting laundry, scented dish soap. Literally the dumbest thing can send me into a spiral with all the “what if’s”….
•Panic Attacks – said triggers can sometimes make me zone out and become paralyzed, my heart races, I shake, and I find myself breathing in and out through silent sobs and mentally saying “its ok. Breathe, 5 things you can touch…..”
•Insomnia – I lay awake for hours some nights – when its quiet is when my mind works in over time and just won’t shut off.
•Paranoia – crazy huh – but when you were silently being watched and recorded for 6+ months on all your social medias, (with multiple accounts) it happens…
•Violated – while my socials are semi-public/public I didn’t consent to them being stalked to gather evidence to validate your wrong doings. I didn’t ask for my kids and my dog to be shared, our family moments to be shared, I didn’t give consent for another woman to believe she was replacing me.
•Trust – I don’t trust anyone. I question everyone’s intentions – and for good reason, people I thought I could trust have continued to betray me, and during the affair people I cared for betrayed me.
•Love – I don’t believe in love. I am GOOD. At this moment in my life I am re-evaluating my definition of love and those who get a piece of it. Love is not an obligation.
I’m constantly at a loss for “Why” – when someone is vulnerable enough to say “please don’t hurt me, it will literally break me” – how can you. With little to no remorse at that.
I waiver back and forth between being proud of myself for continuing to show up through the hurt and wishing it was over. It is so exhausting to work through it, to address it, to comprehend what the last year I went through did to me. I want to be able to move on and never think about it again – but that serves no purpose.
I’m mad at myself – for not leaving when I was stronger. I’m mad at myself for caring, for still worrying, for not letting go. I’m mad that I allowed myself to be OK. I hold a lot of the blame on my shoulders – when its not due. I’m mad that regardless of everything I know I am in this position.
I hate admitting it but I wish the affair was continuing and I never had the confirmations. I wish he left me for her, I wish they were living out their fantasy polyamorous lie. I wish we separated under lies, and stayed as we were.
If you made it this far – two things; thank you if its because you care. If its to screenshot and share – may you have the day you deserve and see yourself out stage left.
⁑ DISCLAIMER ⁑
Remember: you are reading MY “perspective” of given events. These writings are MY feelings; whether they are present tense – written in the moment, past tense – drafted during the day, or anticipated – futuristic. All information provided is what I know from the information I have been given. As with any and every situation there are multiple sides to share the account. It is at the discretion of the reader to which side they favor.