Dear Facebook

Facebook memories can be a real bitch – but also truth telling and revealing. I had written this and saved it as a private entry on my Facebook on  5/31/2024. From its contents I can assume we had a fight the night/day prior, you had worn me down, and I wrote this – accepting all of the blame, believing what you said, but also reflecting and advocating for myself. You never saw it. You will never see it (unless you are a silent follower). You were 8 months into your affair – well established. I knew – I KNEW – and yet my heart was blinded.

I know you won’t read this; but I’m sending it anyway. If I don’t I don’t think I can continue to be with you and be able to open.

You said last night that you understand and have accepted my depression; that I’m either happy or a bitch. And you ticked off the 4/5 things that I had not changed in 19 years.

If you understood my depression; that you would have never said that to me.

Unfortunately I wish I had known when we got together how things would have evolved for me mentally-if I had I would have, I would have told you to run that I’m crazy.

My depression is an everyday war within my head. It never stops. It never silences. Intrusive thoughts are always there, and I silence them. I’ve learned various coping mechanisms to do so….That is a huge change. Its like an addict who is being taunted and they curve that moment. Thats a win.

But in masking and being socially who everyone else is trying to change me to be…I erupt. I loose my cool, I say things in the moment, I am hurtful, abusive, nasty, and disgusting.

You seem to think that I am unaware of my flip outs, behaviors, however you want to word it. I am not. I am 100% aware, not in the moment, after. See the above.

I put tremendous pressure on myself. Because growing up I was constantly told things like “Don’t eat too much you’ll get fat.”, “Don’t eat sweets you’ll have acne”. Sex was NO, asking questions was a no, being able to speak and say how I felt was NOT allowed.

When I don’t feel as though I am at the level I expect myself to be the:

1. Perfect wife

2. Perfect mom

3. Providing some income to the house

4. Following my parents “rules”

It comes across as anger, disappointment, and guilt. I get angry at myself for not doing better. I get disappointed in myself because I should have done better. I feel guilt because I know that I was wrong, hurtful, abusive, whatever.

I have lived with the thought of “If I am such a horrible person, if I make the people around me miserable, if my children are miserable, and I upset everyone, and I can’t be the daughter I am supposed to be, the wife you expect and want me to be, the mom my kids actually love, then why was I given a second chance”. To have that thought even in someones mind is horrible.

I had a rough childhood emotionally. I always felt dirty. My adoption was like a secret and it made me feel dirty like I DID something wrong. Like I wasn’t wanted so we didn’t talk about it. Like I owed them something for “saving me” and giving me a life better than….I was told how to behave, what I had to do, I didn’t get to share me. The artist, the writer, the nature loving hippie soul. It shunned .

I was in a relationship for 2 years where I allowed someone to mentally tell me I should be dead. Physically abuse me, punch me so hard I had welts, pinch me, bite me, choke me, hold a shotgun to my head, cheat on me. When in reality he has a mental illness that was untreated and I became the punching bag (same as you are). I would have taken a million beatings, bruises, black eyes, bite marks over the shit that I heard on the daily. The words don’t go away because they piled onto what my parents had done.

To leaving that and 19/20 months later…..

Jumping into a relationship with you, someone who, you admitted last night you tried to change me, but gave up. Instead of accepting the damaged goods and broken place I had just come from beat me down more. You didn’t advocate for help-you scolded and listed what I did wrong and in YOUR eyes thought the right thing was. You didn’t try and work WITH me. It was you wanted this or else. Similar to my parents. Because in your eyes I wasn’t good enough. You also cheated like he did. Only your reasons have been; not enough sex (I was pregnant and felt disgusting and you didn’t care to understand.) I was told repeatedly by the person before you I was disgusting, ugly, worthless, bad in bed. So trusting again needed time. You didnt want to give.

I do not feel as though I have EVER had someone tell me everything amazing, beautiful, and wonderful about myself. And when you are already beaten down and feeling like you’re not good enough its hard to do that for yourself. I know deep down who I am. But I don’t have anyone but myself to remind me of that. I’m sorry I needed more from you that I couldn’t express.

I’m sorry I needed someone to see I was damaged and really broken. Someone to save me. Someone to give me extra, someone to see that the independence, the smartass its an act. I’m sorry I’m more emotional than you can handle and give. I don’t fault you for it. Thats you, your personality and I can’t change it. I know. But what I hope and expected was you to sacrifice the uncomfortable for YOU, to give to me, because you love me. Similar to me shooting pool league; that was out my comfort zone, but I knew would be enjoyed and important to you.

I’m trying to be done holding resentment from our years previous against you. I know we were young, we didn’t know, and I feel like we were one anothers first serious relationship, But I cannot let go without you seeing that from my point of view I am not the only one who has done wrong. I am 50% of this relationship. I don’t blame you. I don’t fault you. Hindsight is always 20/20.

So if youve read this far, know I love you. I have always loved you. I have never ever intended to be the one to break you, crush you, cause you to hurt.