I Came In Like a ………

Unfortunately, that’s not me.

I never realized the physical effects infidelity has on a person. While the affair was over a year, I didn’t begin to suspect until the last 5-6 months and during that time I lost myself. I began questioning everything about who I was, my values, my worth, and to put things lightly, I endured a lot of harsh unnecessary criticism. Infidelity enhanced my depression – getting through the day to day was harder, but I continued to show up, in the best ways I could. After the affair was exposed, my world changed. I lost all trust in those closest to me. I question everyone’s intentions, good or bad. I pulled back to protect myself. I want to keep my kids so close, so tight, and protect them. I no longer believe in love. I have panic attacks and moments where my own breath literally chokes me. I have nightmares and cannot sleep. I have days where my mind won’t shut off and the past year replays over and over. I find myself sitting in silence just staring – knowing that my spark is gone for now, but I will find it.

I was taught the term “trickle truth” and how it applies to affairs. Trickle truth is when someone has the option to be truthful all at once, but chooses not too. Instead they let little truths out over time. With infidelity, these little truths over time, don’t help or heal – they reopen the wounds each and every time. I am left to again work through them, understand them, and heal.

I’m disgusted knowing I never got an apology that was heartfelt, meaningful, or even aware of the magnitude. I deserve that.

I have had my name, my business name, and my reputation slandered publicly. By the same people that loosely threatened a defamation/slander case against me, asked me to not expose them on social media, and have had their family ask me to think of them and their family. I have kept my word – but sharing text messages that are sexually explicit and defaming me and attaching my business to it – was unnecessary.

I’m disgusted hearing gossip about others suffering from infidelity and rumors knowing you are sitting on lies. It’s disgusting that you can’t own it for your own family. To be truthful with them and tell them we are separated because you cheated, you were making me out to be someone I was not. Instead I’m sure those conversations are still pointing the finger at me. Just know the truth will come out – but given the history, I’m sure the infidelity will be justified.

I’m disgusted by the fact that people knew. People I thought were my friends – knew. Instead of being the bigger person, they went along with the lies and continued to use me. I cooked meals for people who supported the affair. I encouraged and uplifted people who supported the affair. I welcomed people into my home who supported the affair.

Life is all about choices and accountability.

Life has moved on it seems for everyone but me. I’m stuck navigating the future alone. I’m having to heal and rebuild alone. I have to protect my peace, and I am no longer going to be silent.