Is the Grass Greener on the Other Side?

I feel like whenever there is infidelity the phrase “the grass is greener on the other side” comes into play. Because obviously when one partner strays, they are unhappy with what they have and are seeking better. They have the mindset that no matter what they have, someone else has better, someone else can offer better.  The problem with that mindset is, they could have all that they are straying for.  But that takes work. Its hard. Its uncomfortable conversations. Its being vulnerable. They don’t have the mindset of observing others and instead of being envious take notes. Observe. Study and experiment. Invest in your own yard before you yearn.

As of lately I find myself imagining the future; the future that I want. The future I hope for. The future that I manifest and put my trust in god for. And when I look at my future, my significant other is not in that picture.  There is a male figure. A partner; a supportive, kind, intuitive, funny, generous, smart, artistic, well-rounded partner.  At this point its no one in particular; that image is just a figure. But they are kind. They dance with me in the kitchen, the take candid photos of me and share them, they plan surprises, we talk for hours.  They love me unconditionally without restrictions.  Said partner comes after the land; I have since changed my acreage to a house that allows for a fenced in yard and small porch. Comfortable bedrooms, bathrooms, a kitchen, workspace, and family room. Just basic, a home.

Sadly I’ve heard that once you start envisioning your future and they aren’t apart of it, then your answer becomes clearer. Its the part of you that is accepting, it has come to terms with the present reality. You’re a little stronger, ready to face your fears.

I’m only in the dreaming stage. But as my significant other has reminded me; every goal/dream I set for myself I accomplish before its deadline. That brings me a glimmer of hope. That once my heart has finally healed and the bandaid is no longer protecting the wound, I can begin the process. The true separation process.

Its sad because I remember our early conversations when there was empty promises of marriage, a nice house, kids, a happy ending with us swinging on the front porch.  We gossiped about our friends when they strayed and struggled. We judged others while faking our own.  We praised ourselves for making it 20 years; through good and the bad. We joke about the hard times we survived and cheers ahead to the future. While we built a life on a weak foundation.

I have asked “was it worth” – indirectly asking “was the grass greener on the other side” – my significant other has said no. No it was not worth it. At one point he also said that it started out innocent. It progressed, he enjoyed it. He got too far in, couldn’t get out. But was pulling back – he wanted out.

It’s never worth it.

It’s an easy way out. Fixing a broken foundation takes money, it takes time, it takes rearranging an entire lifestyle. It’s not an overnight fix that some stucco can fix.

But I also ask myself; will walking away, will starting over again, will creating a future without him be worth it. Will that grass that I am fantasizing about grow as green….