Lost Roads Lead to Home

“Where to begin?”

I think the hardest thing about trying to understand and process the current is understanding the past year and a half….but with that involves explaining an entire two decades…

And quite honestly I don’t have the energy at the moment to dissect twenty years..

I’m sure there’s hurt on both sides – but that does not justify cheating.  Especially when on multiple occasions hard conversations were had:

“Do you want to explore an “open-relationship” again? – With rules and boundaries of course”
“Do you want to officially separate and remain in the same house because COL is expensive”
“I understand its comfortable for us both, its familiar, its what we know – but that doesn’t mean we have to stay together”
“Do you want to end it”
“Are you seeing someone? On dating apps. Been physical with someone. WHO IS THE GIRL GIVING YOU A BLOWJOB!?“

Because unfortunately life gives us curves that we aren’t prepared for and we are faced with challenges we seek to what comforts us….For me it is frivolously writing – pouring what I can’t say out loud into words….

I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world. I feel like I am being  forced to make life altering decisions. I feel like I am having to live life bearing all of the consequences for a situation I DID NOT DIRECTLY create.  At the end of every night she is able to lay her head down on a pillow and drift into dreamland. I lay my head down at night and the tears fall silently, I lay awake for hours imagining every scenario, I drift asleep into a nightmare that doesn’t disappear. she  is able to seek comfort in the arms of her husband for her broken heart. I cannot stand nor bear to look at mine – I’m reminded of every intimate moment that she  too became apart of.  she   doesn’t have to worry about carrying the shame and secrets.  I will repeat; I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world.

she  gets to fuck my “husband”, expose their affair, then continue on with her day to day life.

I have to worry that if I leave for space to clear my mind I am not going to have a home to come back to.
I have kids to worry about that have been broken.
I have to make a decision going forward about a twenty year relationship.
I have to make a decision about welcoming him into our “marital” bed.
I have to have the repeated hard conversations that mimic a hamster running on a wheel.
I am walking around in a complete fogged state of mind.
I have moments where the room spins, I cannot breathe, my heart begins to race, and I have to talk myself out of a panic attack.
I cannot control the tears – they come at free will.
I have to make a decision if I will “forgive” and “forget” and completely move on….

So now….you tell me…..where do I begin?

⁑ DISCLAIMER ⁑
Remember: you are reading MY “perspective” of given events.  These writings are MY feelings; whether they are present tense – written in the moment, past tense – drafted during the day, or anticipated – futuristic.  All information provided is what I know from the information I have been given. As with any and every situation there are multiple sides to share the account. It is at the discretion of the reader to which side they favor.