I sat, looking at my hands, pondering how old they are looking. And I realized you will never hold my hand again. It took four weeks and 6 days to make that realization. What others have I not figured out?
What people don’t tell you about grief is that it is exhausting. I don’t think that my shoulders have relaxed but maybe once in the last 4 weeks. But I’m tired all the time.
I don’t tell our kids how I am really doing. Needing to be the mom for them. The one who sees how I am doing is our youngest because he lives here. So I can’t fool him. But the rest, I can. For now. I am going to see them in two weeks. I am so excited about that. It is about the only thing I am excited for these days.
Not much else is happening besides working through all of this. Slowly. I was able to find voicemails with his voice and a video of the two of us bantering. Bittersweet moments all of them. I miss him. So fiercely.
Anyhoo. Maybe tomorrow I won’t cry? It is a Monday and the five week mark. We shall see.