Deviation or departure from the normal or common order, form, or rule.
One that is peculiar, irregular, abnormal, or difficult to classify.
The act of expecting.
Eager anticipation: eyes shining with expectation.
The state of being expected.
Something expected: a result that did not live up to expectations.
expectations Prospects, especially of success or gain.
The expected value of a random variable.
The mean of a random variable.
There are these things known as memories which take me to places of sweet reveries of times gone by in allowing me to feel, taste and touch that of so long ago. If you look to the stars you can see the beginning of time, and if you delve within these reveries allow you to see the beginnings of you in so many different variations that you blink, take a step back and blink again. Awe? Understanding? Disbelief?
Tumultuous at best, but smoothed with a sense of calm that the breath is taken away as the portrait of life is continually taking shape with those short, long, even and uneven strokes of the brush as we travel in, on and through our own personal journey. Bewildered comes to mind as sensations put away bubble upwards from the depths of time and surface teasing, taunting and luring.
Memories are like ocean waters in how they fade only to roll forward like the tide in kissing wet sands. The synergies involved formulating not just the thoughts, but with vivid clarity in feeling and reliving all over again, the emotions which we learn to cultivate in creating our own cultural environment in how we live. How we grow. And, how we move forward.
In reaching beyond even our own wildest dreams and expectations we give and receive our own messages. Not always subtle hints but not always clearly seen either. They are like puzzles and we search for the pieces that fit in putting ourselves together.
Sometimes the anomalies that drift in trying to separate us hold and win sway. But that inner strength that always seems to prevail bursts in its explosion and races through the entire being allowing the spirit, soul and mind to reach out and catch those errant wisps that flutter in passing.
The creations we form in all our experiences combined enlighten us and point us in the right direction. There are still those times that lead us astray and tempt us, moreover sight unseen and whispered words in the ear of false promises that even you can’t, or for some other reason, do not keep. The culpability felt in breaking the word or perhaps, in rehashing the past.
To torment the self? To teach the self a lesson? Or perhaps to reconsider the choices made knowing that the path taken is moving in a circle and you find yourself not always on the straight and narrow as you thought yourself to be. Choices made in listening to that inner voice that isn’t really as vindictive as first thought to be, but there as a guide that seeped within us and whispered these words.
And what about that little green monster which throughout the entire situation sat on your shoulder with a smug expression on its features, laughing softly the entire time while these choices were being made in conference with the self? The good and the bad. The dark and the light. The right from the left and so on and so forth. We all, eventually, wind up where we first began and start anew the same journey with different twists and turns thrown in for good measure. Learning curves and lessons being taught.
I am not sorrow. Perhaps melancholy would be more appropriate in wishing that things could have been different. Yet I realize that if they had, I would not be where I am today. So as I move forward in trying to understand the emotions that have again surfaced I smile to myself, for those sensations of serenity and chaos are still with me. But this time instead of pushing them away? I welcome them with open arms.
For in delving deep into the core of my being with the windows to my soul wide open, the expectations held are different than before. They are not of what others perceive me, nor should they ever have been. But they are of me. And with these expectations which I have set, I realize too that there will be disappointment in not achieving when falling short. However, we all are given second, third and sometimes more chances to attain our own expectations with the understanding that the anomaly will be there to distract us.