I took a test yesterday online it says I am depressed.  Yes, well I can see that.  A lot has happend in the last year, and not much of it has been good.  I lost my job, my car, my home, my husband tried to cheat on me, bla bla bla.  I am unable to get a job, I have no sitter, I have no transportation.  I haven’t applied for any assistance but I bet I could qualify.    The test says that if you answer 5 yes questions out of 10 possible that you are depressed and should seek medical advise.  I answered 7 out of 10 answers yes.  Hmmm, so that says that I am depressed, but I can honestly justify some of my answers.  A proof of my sickness or a rational train of thought or a person who really isn’t depressed??? 

Question 1 –  have you lost a lot of weight latley?   yes.  but I have been on a diet, I take diet pills that curb my appetite, the little bit of money I am getting depends upon what I look like and well, I need to look good.   I was at 250 now I am at 200 – shit, I feel better and look better, I may be depressed but at least I look good doing it.  Thank God he made me a Leo.   I also work out as much as I can, it makes me feel better, sometimes.

So yeah I lost weight but its been intentional. 

Do I have problems sleeping  – yeah, I have a lot of issues that seem to creep into my head when its quiet.  Mostly bills, money issues, husbands baby momma issues.  But more than anything I obsess how am I agoing to come up with some money, to pay the rent, the bills, the internet, the broken down car, my license.  I pray, I pray for help, for patience for strength, but mostly I question, I ask why.  Why is it that it is so fucking hard?  What did I do, will it be fixed if I sit here and wait for it to be fixed, How can I get ahead.  I dont believe waiting is the answer so then I rack my brain with how I can a job and afford day care and how will I get there and will the jobs I apply for ever call me back.  I plan on  going back to school when I can apply for financiancial aid but what about RIGHT NOW LORD??  WHAT AT ABOUT RIGHT NOW.  I have that rant in my head a lot.  I feel lost, alone, and lost.  I know I am not lost, but I feel desperate time times. Which brings me to the next question,

Do you have feelings of desperation: – yeah, I think that has been established.

Am I sad, yeah, I am broke, broker than a motha fucka and damn, being broke will make anyone sad.  Is it hard to get out of bed in the morning.  Well yeah, shit, I am broke, another day of cleaning, laundry, trying to hustle a few dollars, taking care of my baby fending off the bill collectors and trying to figure out what I am going to feed my son, shit, its hard.  I wake up in the morning and I see my baby curled up next to me, I am happy to feel his little body hugged to me, I feel happy.  I feel blessed.  But then the day starts, the phone rings, the pressure sets in, my mind starts running.

Do you feelings that you dont want  to get out of bed in the moring?  – um yeah, that has been established too.

Do you have feelings of suicide.  I struggle with this question.  I don’t believe in suicide, but sometimes I think. "Oh God, I am so sick of the life I am living, I wish it were over."  but then I think immediatly, "Lord, I love my life, I dont want to die, my children need me."  I am blessed, I know this.  I have always felt that suicide was cowerdly and stupid.  But I have looked at that road, and although it is not the path that I will follow, I can see why someone would be so desperate.  I can see how someone who doesnt know in their heart that God is watching over them, can loose themselves in that dark hole.  I think each of my children have been a blessing and have been the life line that I need when I feel like I am drowning or starting to fall.

So, am I depressed.  Yeah. I guess I am.  I am reluctant to seek medical help though.  Its like you see these commercials on tv and they say that if you are depressed you can take this little pill and it will make you feel better.  But then it says that if you have had feelings of suicide you shouldnt take this pill.  Wait, didn’t you just say this was going to make me feel better?  If I felt better why would I be scared of suicidal thoughts?  You mean this pill will make me so happy that I wont give a fuck and I will kill myself.  Um, no thanks.  In the immortal words of Kat Willams….."I got shit ta do today.." 

Shit, I would rather just smoke a blunt and get the I dont give a fuck attitude and clean my house and look for a job at least I get to thinking and try to figure ways out of this mess, instead of sitting on my ass feeling happy for no reason,.

So, will I go see a doctor?  I am not really sure.  Our housemate says I should apply for welfare, that I should apply for food stamps that we would qualify.  I dont want to. I know its stupid, I just feel like I have worked so damn hard all my life to never have to ask for assistance.  Now here I am.  What the fuck.  This is so not cool. 

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