My hustler mentality kicks in and I know that I could make some money doing things or jobs that my husband would not approve of.  So out of respect for him and my marriage and because I know it would make me morrally uncomfortable.  Not that I cant’ get past the morral uncomfort.  I know, dont judge me till you walk in my shoes.  I know what I have done and what I am capable of doing.  I dont say its right I dont say its wrong, I say, I know that road, been there done it, didn’t like it but in a pinch would not turn it down if the money was right.  The fact that this is in my mind makes me feel even worse and on many levels guilty.  I feel guilty that I would consider cheating on my husband for money.  I feel that is mean, and cruel of me, he loves me, even though he has considered cheating on me.  hmmmm . 

At times I feel like its all his fault.  Placing the blame on him for his waiting so long to get a real job.  For allowing me to work like a dog to support our family in a well, slightly extravagant life style.  For being angry at me when he finally had to contribute.  I am angry that  when he did finally step up and get a real job he was angry at me for having to start to support us.  He called me a mooch, said me and my children were leaches.  Ofcourse never once mentioning that for the first 6 years we have been together I have supported him and his daughter, paying for everything without his financial assistance.  Love can make us do some dumb ass shit. I know its not his fault the situation we are in now, I know he couldnt have made my business better but I have a lot of resentment for his actions, or lack of action until we were destitute.  I have resentment for the way he talks down to me because I am no longer producing a pay check, the way he  takes out his frustration on me.  What he has said and for his attempt to have an affiar on my birthday, because as he explained it.  He had no social life and was feeling like I was keeping him from having any friends.  Gee I am sorry, when you got married and we had a child I thought your social life would include your family, not a bunch or pot smoking, alchoholics who although in  their early 40s and late 30s want to party and club like they were in their mid 20s.   He has improved a lot.  Funny when your wife lose 50 pounds and starts looking better then vows to do everything you do after finding out you attempted to have an affiar, and after speaking with the would be mistress and threatends to leave you how "socializing" becomes so insignificant.  It makes me angry that he would pick fights with me and try to guilt me into allowing him to go out with his friends when he was planning to fuck someone else the whole time.  Granted for what ever reason the dates never went through until on day in August.  He was going away on a work related training.  He would be there a week, a paid hotel room.  It was all set, all ready to go.  The girl was going to come over the night she got into town, which was his second night there.  Too bad I showed up with our 2 year old because I had a fight with my mother and needed to be with him. He was so angry to see me, I thought he would be happy or at least not be angry or aggitated as he was.  When he volunteered to run to McDonalds to get us something to eat so I could relax I didn’t think anything of it, when he spent the night on the computer on facebook, I didn’t question him.  When I noticed he was chatting, I assumed it was with his many friends.  It never crossed my mind that I had ruined his randevu with his potential mistress.  It never occured to me because I had just lost my car to the repo man since he refused to help me pay for it, a car we used as a family car since his was too nice and too small for all the kids.  Since it was my birthday and he was in another town in a nice hotel, which he never bothered to invite me to come along.  Since the day before on my actual birthday someone very close to me died and the car I had borrowed from my mother go towed away because she had put a fake sitcker on the window.  She swore it was good till the end of the month.  The fact that the sticker came from another vehicle didn’t give her a clue = but if you knew my mom, well you would understand her reasoning.  So all this went down on my birthday.  I am desperate, lost and need my husbands support stricken with grief and not sure where to turn.  And he is off making plans to fuck another bitch.

Do you know how I felt?   At the time, I felt alone, I felt abandoned.  I felt that I was drowning and no one was there to give me a hand.  My mother who has always been my biggest fan, always supported me, financially the few times she could but more than anything emotionally.  She was angry, having her own issues, she was upset that the car had gotten towed.  Never mind she told me it was okay to drive, all I did was park it out in front of the house.    I couldnt figure out why he was so distant, so angry, so ready to put me and my children down.  Complaining about not having a life.  All I could think was ….. you were happy when I was bringing home 7000 a month and paying all the bills and you just had to work for the money you wanted to play with.  Now I am too old, too fat, no fun.   I kept thinking something was going on, but didn’t want to believe it, couldnt catch him. 

Two months later, going through his email I found the email he sent to the woman, his invitation giving her all the detials, time frames, confirming meeting times and hotel room number.  It was sent the morning of my birthday.  Happy birthday to me.  I read it, looked at him, showed it to him and said from now one, I do everything you do.  I joined every dating site mr. intelligence had joined.  yes he had joined one even called can you believe that shit?  Damn.

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