Diary Reclaiming

I was able to reclaim my old diary. It was and remains private. The entries date back to 2006 and end with one entry in 2013. I haven’t been able to read all of it, but I have read through 2006 and a few entries from 2007. I’ve also skipped to different time periods for some specific memories of when I met my boyfriend, then supervisor at a company we both worked for. I’ve been able to share some of those memories with him.

It was interesting to read about the younger me. I remembered the entries being very dark and dismal so, at first, I prepared myself for the worst. And that’s what I got. I recorded problems with different men, about my negative living situation, about different trials I went through. Some parts made me cry and others made me laugh. I actually became very depressed feeling those times all over again.

Today, I made an update of the last eight years. It took quite a while to write. It was another venting, of course.

I wrote a quote some time ago that reads, “Journals are for all the words you want to say but nobody wants to hear.” That’s the part of life that should be kept private.

I’m glad I had a way to keep my thoughts private then and off my desktop and away from wandering eyes.  I’m glad I vented about my sad times. I’m sure it helped me. My only problem with it was the time I spent recording these thoughts. It seems that my time, at least most of it could have been spent on more positive activities.

I have suffered many years with Bipolar Disorder. My best guess is it developed when I was a teenager or young adult. I was never on medicine until the last two years or so. I was able to see my erratic behavior and thought processes in these old diary entries and make some sense of them. I still suffer, but I’m in better control now. It still affects my life but not as much as it did in the past. I wrote about thinking I had the condition in 2006 yet I did nothing about it. I’m certain I caused problems for others. That produces a bit of guilt in me. I forgive myself also.

I have several journals I write in almost every day. I do keep these on my desktop. They help me manage. I keep a Mood Chart, a Mood Journal, a Gratitude Journal and then another private journal that is password protected. I keep a handwritten journal to write in when I’m away from my computer. I know it sounds compulsive but each journal has a purpose. My updates are not time-consuming. And there are times when I don’t write in them at all. If they help me manage, they are good for me.

I’m also an avid reader. If I couldn’t read or write, I would not feel whole.

My mood is good today. 😊 I am a warrior. 😎 I look forward to meeting others here.

 

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September 3, 2019

I will enjoy reading you! I battle depression I know it is not the same but I know it is hard

September 3, 2019

@kaliko Regardless, depression is depression and it is hard to experience. I’ll read you too!

September 3, 2019

@rainbowfairy Thank you!!😀

September 3, 2019

It sounds like you have come a long way since back then.  But then I think we all have including me.  I look forward to reading more of you….I would like it if you were on my friend list?

September 3, 2019

I also have bipolar, it’s bipolar 2. Struggling with that. And I also keep track of my moods on my phone. The eMoods app. It’s very helpful. I’m glad your mood is good today.

September 3, 2019

@heffay Thank you very much! Mine is Bipolar 2 or so the doctor says. I think I have “rapid cycling.” I’ll look for the Moods app!

September 3, 2019

@heffay Mine isn’t sold on rapid cycling either. It’s the only way I can describe it. I have very “distinct” moods from day to day or every three or four days. It seems the name has changed a lot over the years.

September 3, 2019

@wildflower1217 I’ll just say what my therapist always says is that these labels mean nothing, except for like the insurance companies and what not. The label doesn’t change the behavior, so she always just wants me to focus on my behavior, instead of if I’m bipolar or not.

September 3, 2019

@heffay I keep wanting to hit the “like” button. lol I totally agree. Ditch the label!

September 4, 2019

kudos to you for being able to manage your disorder to the best of your ability with journals & things that are good for you. that can be a challenge. i have a diagnosis of that as well, although i am currently questioning it. i have never been good at taking care of it, though, unfortunately. meds have always been difficult to stay on and i tend towards other unhealthy choices that do not help me…i always admire people that figure out a system that works.

i’m an avid reader/writer too…it is one of the things i have to do to stay fueled. what is your favorite book? what is the last book you have read?

glad you’re here! 🙂

September 4, 2019

@thecriticsdarling It seems I am running into a lot of people with BD.

I tend to read several books at a time so listing them would be too long. I will eventually finish one, though. lol The one I just finished is “Empowering Women” by Louise Hay. It’s an older book, from the 90s I think, that I picked up at a bookstore for free. It gave me a boost. And the one I’m about to finish is called, “The Five Levels Of Attachment” by Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr. My favorite classic books are “Wuthering Heights”…”The Good Earth”…and “Catcher In The Rye.”  I love all kinds of books and visiting bookstores. I am reading a few on how to manage BD. I love all of the Rhonda Byrn’s books…”The Secret” etc. I also like books by Laura Day. I read more non-fiction than fiction, but I enjoy both. I think you could publish if you wanted. 😊

September 4, 2019

Do you like audiobooks? I’ve been listening to Michelle Obama’s “Becoming.” It’s pretty interesting.

September 4, 2019

@wildflower1217 I tried to leave a note and it disappeared. Oy.

I still love Catcher in the Rye-although I am obsessed with Salinger’s other works more. In particular, I love 9 Stories. Other favorite books are: The End of the Affair by Graham Greene. Birthday Letters by Ted Hughes. (If you haven’t read this, sigh…it’s a book of poetry Hughes released shortly before his death. It encapsulates his relationship with Sylvia Plath. It is beautiful and real and heartbreaking and amazing. I revisit it frequently.)  The Little Prince, for sentimental reasons, is probably on that list. I know it’s cliche. I stand by it. I’m currently reading Solomon Gorsky Was Here by Mordecai Richler. I picked it up at a used book sale because Richler is the favorite author of a man, erm, I’ve enjoyed the company of for several months. You can read between the sheets…er, I mean lines. LOL. Ahem. Anyway…it’s pretty good.

I don’t really do audiobooks. I hate being read to now…because I need to actually see the print. I don’t comprehend things as well if I’m not looking the words.

Thank you for your kind comments on my writing. I have actually self-published several books of poetry in the past…a few are still on Amazon. I tried to link them, but it gave me problems last time. If you look up “The Laws of Physics as Applied to Love,” one of them comes up.

Looking forward to getting to know you more on here!

September 5, 2019

@thecriticsdarling That is awesome! I will look you up on Amazon!

November 7, 2019

I wish I could remember the name of my old diary of those who I cherished following …