A failed self-massage

I tried to massage my legs last night. My upper legs have been better but I have ridiculously tight calves. I tried to get deep into them and spent a really long time especially on my right one but it is so sore now, not when I walk so much as when I am lying down, like right now, and it feels frustrating to do things. It makes me not want to do anything, it makes me feel lazy, and a little scared, and sad.

I guess I don’t know how to massage myself. Somehow I made it worse. Maybe when whatever I have done to them has healed a little bit I will get a massage but I don’t know, I am frustrated.

I just went out to my car to grab some ibuprofen (luckily I haven’t needed too much of it… I still have this really tiny bottle of it that I bought in Tijuana… but if there is a night I hope it might ease the pain a bit it is tonight). I don’t know why you can’t get some kind of prescription medication to loosen really tight muscles over the long term, something that could be taken orally or injected to complement massage. Maybe there is, I don’t know, but I feel like if I did go to a doctor they wouldn’t know what to tell me which I feel is pretty much the case with pain in general.

If you have pain there are not too many options at least that allopathic doctors can even prescribe… they’ll just tell you yo take Ibuprofen. I don’t know why we don’t live in a world where research into chronic pain is a priority, I feel so terrible for people who live with pain every day. Like my mother. How horrible it has been for me too knowing how often she is hurting and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I don’t think she is in nearly as much pain as she has been sometimes in the past but it can be pretty bad and I don’t know if it ever completely goes away.

I used to be pretty tough when my body was sore but I think now I just get scared because chronic pain scares me because doctors seem to have no idea what to actually do about it and what if it lasts forever…

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