I am so listless today. There is not much I want to do except eat a real meal and I don’t know for sure how to get that without feeling both robbed and violated by something non-consensually put into my food, which has happened waaay too often lately, and I even still have these orange juices with psych drugs in them from the hospital as proof that it happened there. At this point it might feel so strange to eat a real meal that I might feel suspicious even if it wasn’t tampered with at all. Maybe the safest thing could actually be to see if my mother would order a pizza for me to come to my door (as I used to have her do in the old days back in Atlanta when I started getting really depressed after Asheville). I have eaten nothing but a few slices of bread and a matcha boba tea since I got out of that disgusting apartment that tried to rip off my soul through AirBNB. Before that it was just one pizza and then hardly eating at the hospital before that so I actually do not remember my last real meal.
I am so sad today, just hoping as time passes something will get better. I am thinking about how my mother wanted to know what I would do with this $3000 last night and the fact that she did not immediately trust my evaluation of how much money I needed to stay secure was like the only hurtful thing she said to me last night.
Today I am realising something bad that man who called himself her husband did that I didn’t even realise: one time I borrowed $1300 from my mother to play roulette at a casino in Rhode Island. That was the same trip to Rhode Island where New Culture exiled me, too. I had never borrowed money for anything like that before and I think she (and everyone) thought something was wrong with me. It makes sense, I guess, but my intentions wrre strictly to figure out the math of the game. The truth is I played for hours and hours and though the long-term trends were always red when I was betting black or black when I was betting red I somehow did not lose any significant money.
I don’t remember at all somehow what happened to that $1300, and in fact I *thought* I actually gave it back to my mother, or tried to, but maybe I ran into other problems or needed places to stay and used it for that? I don’t remember but I told my mother she could take the next two months of my monthly money or something to pay for it and then it would be done. I sonehow did not even see this was a set up before just now. I did not know at the time how financially abusive her ‘husband’ could be so I was so naïve when for *years* after that he kept taking money out of my SSDI to pay for that roulette. It felt so off but my mother seemed to think I still owed her too so… I did not realise this was another way to not only steal from me but to make my mother think I am reckless with money!!!
How much of that $1300 actually got lost playing roulette? Pretty much *none* of it. He was going to take money from me every month for years even though he already took the first month or two of pay after that away from me, as agreed, and that mire than paid for it. The money he kept taking month by month for borrowing money to play roulette was a lie and I was too naïve to realise it till now. Okay, fine, steal my money every month forever, but do NOT make my mother think I am bad with money to boot!
Another memory is coming up today of a sad Christmas where I got this clunky old not so good laptop that was not nearly as good as the one I already had. As a ‘present’ he transferred all my data or something without even asking permission and I felt so violated but I wanted mama to have a good Christmas and I felt horrible about myself for being upset with my ‘present’!
I got sooooo MAD and I HATE that because it was a Christmas present and I want my Christmas presents to make me happy because I want my mother to be happy! I can’t even tell you what torture it is when you get a ‘new’ laptop (from this computer programmer and systems engineer) that is not as good as your old one but also your files are all messed up and especially the essential spreadsheet files I needed to run Greenpath Transcripts!!! I think THAT might be the reason I gave up on the business. I had no idea these things were meant as cruelty towards me until today…
I am also thinking about my cousin’s wedding in Anaheim which makes me sooooo sad now. I hate the idea of hurting someone else or bringing up old pain just by mentioning it. It just gets clearer and clearer though. I remember sitting outside at that table at that art museum, between my mother and my grandfather, I think, and they kept refilling grampa’s drinks without him spoarently realising it. I had never seen him so drunk (ir drunk at all) or flirty or funny.
But this little girl, I don’t want to believe she was real, yet I remember the way she walked, the way she moved, sooo unique and endearing, and then I am just starting to remember these playful, mischievous eyes. I think I remember her having an older brother. I remember her being silly and goofy and I remember her brother being much more serious than her. He seemed much older than he actually was in terms of his personality and it felt, if I can just go with what my intuition is telling me now, that he felt a lot of pressure to conform, somehow, like he had a reputation to uphold or some kind of adult-like obligation to keep up apoearances though he was too young for any of that stuff. His little sister was this playful bouncy mischievous rebel who kept looking at me in ways that said so much but I don’t know what it means…
I feel like they were introduced in a certain way but I cannot even begin to remember. I just remember her seeming so playful and fun and kind of running or playfully moving somehow past the table. My brother was ‘playing’ with her I think but she kept passing the table and looking at me (maybe I am inagining this) like she wanted to play with me or something instead of him… and I was jealous of him. I forgot she was even there until a few days ago but now I remember feeling so jealous like we would have so much fun playing together, why does my brother always get to have all the ‘fun’ but nobody lets *me* play with anybody? Sure, she was like a quarter my age but somehow I got her and I feel like maybe just maybe she saw me somehow too though I have no idea in the world how.
I feel like in those times running past me at the table she wanted to communicate something to me, almost, like even she was like, I’d rather be playing with you than him! That doesn’t make much sense, though, because like, I was quiet and shy and anxious snd recently broken up and she did not know me so why would she have me in mind as a playmate anyway? I don’t think we ever said a word to each other but I felt like we were communicating just the same. Do you ever just know you want to play with someone and they seem to want to too because in their brief flits past you they say so in everything but words?
Oh, Taylor, I hope to God that was not B. at that wedding but what if I think it was? My memory of this little kid is getting clearer and clearer and it looks like her, it’s her energy, and I don’t kniw what to do… I hate the idea that the first time we ever saw each other was so, so sad…
I do not know why, when I remember this little kid at the wedding right now, who I am so sad to say I reslly think was B., the scene from Pippi Longstocking where she is the hero in that fire comes to mind so strongly…
This is a lot to take in, so much… hopefully by the grace of God I can eat real nourishing food soon and once I get something substantial into my ststem I think I am going to read this copy of Pride and Prejudice…