I hope it was the police

Dear Sarah,

I decided to drive to make sure the car battery stays charged and as I left I passed a row of police cars on the side of the road and I could not decipher their reason for being there. All I know is that I actually somehow felt safer driving by the police even though I have no physical copy of my license and I am TRULY hoping the FBI or LAPD were the ones who took that incriminating document out of my car. I am afraid to go to the police and talk to them about this because how would I even begin unless soneone could hold me. Is it time to see if I can check into a hospital or crisis centre or will I find the bad guys still on my back there? That movie Honest Thief makes me so unsure… but I think it is either a hospital or crisis centre or renting in LA and I feel vulnerable because I still don’t have access to my SSI money from last month and in a week I am owed like $900 so I am owed like $1800 plus $150 my mother said she’d pay me back before I became terrified by my conversation with her in Las Vegas. But then I get scared to talk to my mother because he hurts both of us through each other by controlling us both and… well, let me just say another thing that saved me when I finally risked turning on this phone (I need my own phone plan, Sarah) is that I happened to see that my mother responded to the last texts I was so afraid of hearing her response to… I am still afraid to look at my texts and see what she might have written to me before that text but it ACTUALLY made me feel SAFER! The text said, “Excellent movie!” referring to Where the Crawdads sing and I do not onow if she could have said that unless she was safe and protected from him. So it is strange because I am terrified to go into the police department because I am tongue tied and don’t know how they will respond to my fear. I have no idea what I would ask of them if I went there and I am afraid of being traumatized by how they might talk to me or treat me even if they are on my side because I don’t have a safe nurturing space, like a crisis centre, where I feel safe AND have a bed and food to eat and, well, ideally have a friend with me while I talk to them so I don’t have to worry about that. At the same time I can only say that when I sdove by that line of police cars I felt safer, somehow, despite the fact that if they pulled me over they might find me without a physical copy of my hopefully valid license. The only reason it would not be valid is foul play. I drove by these police cars and I felt safer NOT having a license than HAVING one and what criminal would steal from my car with security with flashing yellow lights right near it? I am feeling like maybe, just maybe, if something WAS taken from my car in that lot, it was law enforcement authorities and… well, I felt SAFE butbthat doesn’t make SENSE and it is confusing. Then I went to the store and came back to my car terrified that someone had stolen my phone and I realized: if I am pulled over all I have to do is give them my phone and invite them to search every bit of it. I have nothing to hide and the question is just this fear that if they DO look at this phone some bad actor might try to use that information against me. I cannot imagine anyone who wanted to do that having any kind of case against me. If someone┬áreally wanted to hurt me they would use the poluce and actually that is what has been happening to me all my life. And yet somehow I hope it was law enforcement that took that incriminating document (not to me) out of my car and somehow that makes me feel simultaneously safe and terrified…



Edit: I cannot be sure but after I wrote this I discovered something else in my car that seems to have been tampered with and it is harmless but symbolic: a loaf of bread I bought seems to have slices missing and there are like 4 sitting outside the bag on the passenger seat. This is weird: that girl shut the back door and said “I’m taling all the food!” before I even left the car for anyone to steal anything. Security was there when she said it and then that license that I was framed with was gone and also it seems someone tampered eith my bread but who would steal from my car with that kind of security around it? Messing with bread is pretty harmless as far as criminal activity goes but maybe it was a sign and this person who said that seemed to be making friendly mischief. They made me feel safer… and then I found that license (hopefully) gone and that bread. That feels like a good sign like this was NOT another crime but meant to support me… but I am still so confused.

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