I’ll be leaving soon

I am sad. I just took a deep nap and I was exhausted but now I kind of feel too sad to shake off the exhaustion so I have no idea what I will end up doing tonight. I want to read in Spanish but maybe I’m too sad to read.

I got up early today, sat outside and did some Spanish grammar exercises at the table, and Rosalba went to being Valentina to school. When she opened up the garage to leave two of the dogs ran out and started running down the street. When they get out they keep running so I chased them down the street in my socks and finally caught them. The big old dog (who Rosalba said was so tired before the puppies came but then came to life) barked at me unhappily and kind of stopped while I was trying to pull him back to the yard by the collar. I insisted and he came but I was surprised they would act that way. Rosalba said muchísimas gracias and brought Valentina to school.

Then I went back to Ceragem and the beach again. I had to wait a long time today because there were lots of people but they asked for requests and made a playlist and I got to hear some good new music. My favourite was Canción de Otoño by José Luis Perales. They also played one song in English: Radiohead’s Creep. The older woman I talked to yesterday asked me again if I liked to read and gave me a book by the televangelist and Seventh Day Adventist pastor Mark Finley. That is her church and she told me where it is in Ensenada. She gave away books to others too and I appreciated how accepting everyone was of this.. I feel like in the US there might be lots of resentment of this sort of thing but I don’t get the point of not just letting everyone be who they are. I like the sense of tolerance and letting people be as they are, live and let live you might call it, that I get in Mexico… and I am going to miss Mexican culture.

I went to the beach for a while and then ate at Falafel Comida Israeli again and ate the exact same thing as I had yesterday and once again it was delicious. Rosalba sent me a message that everyone has been really happy with my presence and asked me to let me know if I was interested in prices to stay for 6 months or a year. 

I let her know about my plans to leave during the week. It is so sad…  I hate wishing I could be in multiple places at once… and then later when I was awake but in the middle of napping I heard someone, Raúl I think, rocking the baby Bruno on the swing outside, and it was sweet hearing him affectionately say names to him while he rocked him: Mama, Valentina.  It was another reminder of how much I’ll miss being here. Then I could have sworn I heard him say something that sounded just like my name too somehow…

Enough now. I guess I will just be with this sadness, this in betweenness. It is so hard not being able to stay and not being able to leave. There’s got to be a way to feel like I’m staying more often no matter where I go…

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